mtv.com You, too, can live a healthy and productive life with genital herpes. Anyone catch MTV’s Jersey Shore ‘ a reality show where people stop being polite and start getting day-drunk ‘ last night? I missed it but don’t think…

9-10 p.m. Yes, that just happened. I hate anyone who doesn’t like this show. Featuring: Finally, Jack Bauer teams up with the only fictional character as badass as he is: Killdozer! We open this week with Jack on the run…

12 a.m. ‘ 1 a.m. Don’t you know that by suddenly becoming this cool, you’re only guaranteeing that you’re going to die? Featuring: A subtle metaphor about the global dangers presented by an unchecked military-industrial complex. Also, Jack’s face maybe…

1 a.m.’2 a.m. I’ll see you in hell, Tony Almeida. Featuring: A staring contest, the world’s biggest shotgun, a shocking twist and the greatest Public Service Announcement ever recorded. Also, three-time Hart Memorial Trophy finalist Elisha Cuthbert reprises her role…

2 a.m.’3 a.m. Sorry, YouTube people: looks like there was no secret pinky air-pocket thing happening. Featuring: Lots of rogue Tony action and the horrifying revelation that Kim Bauer has been allowed to reproduce. We open with a new character,…

7 a.m.’8 a.m. The real question is: what don’t you know about Tony? Featuring: A lot of shooting but not enough closure. It’s light out all at the airport all of a sudden. Kim and Renee are freaking out about…

4 a.m.-5 a.m. Seriously, this is painful to watch. Someone has to save this guy. Featuring: Horribly uncomfortable scenes that force us to confront American xenophobia, and a cool explosion. We open in Jibraan ‘Patsy’ Al-Zarian’s apartment, where we left…

In the words of Larry Moss, “make it stop!” Featuring: The rebooting of computers and plotlines. Our announcer warned us: “this is the hour that changes everything.” Really, though, one might argue this was more like “the hour that just…

This just in from CP’s Justin Bauer: I assume at this point  you’re aware . . .  . . . that the new Hold Steady record is up and streaming on their myspace page, right?