Ask Papa: Time to Spend

Hi Papa: I’m getting married. I think a big wedding’s a waste of money because we’re just paying for our friends to get hammered. But my fiancée really wants one. What should I do? —Cheap Bastard Bastard: I have been…

Hi Papa: I’m getting married. I think a big wedding’s a waste of money because we’re just paying for our friends to get hammered. But my fiancée really wants one. What should I do?

—Cheap Bastard

Bastard: I have been married many times and I never found any success fighting with a woman before the wedding. You should save it for later when you are trying to have a drink with a friend and she is trying to get you to come home. Then you can tell her, “You have already taken everything from me. Leave me be.” It is not worth it to fight about this. If you do not give her what she wants, she will take it. That is what women do. At least this way you get a drink or two out of it. 

Dear Papa: I just moved and met my new neighbor. He’s a very friendly guy who’s always there to say hello — in fact he’s too friendly, which is the problem. Every time I leave the house I have to extract myself from a 20 minute conversation ranging from nothing to his specific ailments. What’s the best way to let him know that I love to chat with him but sometimes I have things to do?

—Friendly in Fishtown

Fishtown: Is your neighbor an old man or a young man? Old men carry their despair with them and there is nothing you can do besides hear them out, at least for a short while. He might talk about having gout from eating rich foods or how his wife has left him because he never gave her a proper wedding. To interrupt or break it short would be rude and it wouldn’t change anything anyway because we both know that old men do not stop talking until they are dead. If he is a young man, though, and he delays you on your way to some business or a bar, slap him on the back, smile and tell him, “You talk too damn much.”