There's an old folk ditty that goes, "I'd like to be a cowgirl,
but oooh I'm scared of cows. Moo, moo, moo how they scare me?"
I've always identified with this song.
You see, I have a strange fear of cows that probably originated
20-some years ago with an incident at Merry Mead Farms on Route
363 in Worcester, PA. It was a simple family trip to get ice cream
cones and visit the cows that made 'em. But the excursion turned
terrifying when Bessie the calf (a calf, no less) decided to open
her giant jaws, snatch the cone from my hands and slurp up every
drop of my Rocky Road.
("Isn't that cannibalism?" wondered one staffer.)
Being an urban type, the closest I get to cows these days is the
occasional pasture drive-by during a road trip. But when we decided
to dedicate our June edition of earSHOT to all things cowboy/cowgirl, I figured I should face my fears.
If I truly wanted cowgirl status, a fondness for the boots and
the tunes wouldn't be enough.
I'd have to appreciate the bovine.
But how could I? Those bulging eyes on the sides of their heads,
flies swarming all around their butts, the smell, the drool, the
MOOOO!
"Oh, cows are sweeeet," said earSHOT staffer Jen Darr. "You eat beef, don't you?"
Well yes, but I don't sit around making friends with my cheeseburgers.
Jen's sister leased her a 7-year-old Vermont Jersey cow for graduation
from the Rent Mother Nature catalog (1-800-296-9445). Suellen
was her name. Suellen made Jen some creamy organic camembert.
OK, so that's sort of nice - a little sick that Jen keeps Suellen's
picture by her night table, but?
I started asking other staffers and friends for cow tales.
I called my friend Dave Brown - always good for a story - who
told me about an event near his hometown of Scranton (Cow-tipping
Central) where cows are used for? bingo?
"Yup," said Dave. "Cow Pie Bingo. There's this big field sectioned
off into squares. You place bets on a square of land, stand around,
drink beer, eat hotdogs and if a cow shits in your square, you
can win a new John Deere tractor."
Cool! Or maybe, in that case, warm. And steamy.
Intern Geeta Dalal explained the Indian belief that cows are sacred.
"Since cows can give endless supplies of milk when food is scarce,
why the hell would you kill 'em for a couple of burgers?"
Ice cream, cereal, squeezable butter, lactose intolerance - what
would we do without 'em? Not to mention leather jackets and cowboy
boots. Cows know better than any of us that one must make sacrifices
for style.
And speaking of style, the white-with-black-splotches "cow" pattern
has always been chic.
My friend Shelly is virtually obsessed with it. She's got it in
dresses, tables, potholders, salt and pepper shakers, cabinets.
Even her cat looks like a cow. She's created a catchphrase: when
she sees something that fits her collection, she coos, "Very cow."
Finally, my journey to cow enlightenment led me to the World Wide
Web, where there are several pages dedicated to cows. There's
Kris the Cow page, Big Dave's Cow Page, the Home of the Lying
Cow and Portraits of Bovines. One site, "Cows Caught in the Web"
(http://www.brandonu.ca/~ennsnr/Cows/), offers such thought-provoking questions as, "When a cow laughs
does milk come out her nose?" along with fun facts about cows
(such as, did you know that "cows drink 25-50 gallons of water
each day. That's nearly a bathtub full!"). Another site focuses
on the phenomenon of "exploding cows," citing a Time magazine article which explained, "Extreme heat causes gases
to rapidly expand in animals after they die of heat-related distress.
In many cases, they literally burst. 'We've got to get them picked
up right away or otherwise when you pick them up all you get is
pieces,' said one Iowa resident."
Maybe that's the secret. I don't need to rush into this. I'll
just get to know cows slowly - piece by piece.
within earSHOT
Moosic To My Ears