Last weekend Roller Derby was back in Philly and once again we went CP’s own Andrew Amundson to capture the matches live. For a refresher on the rules, the where, and the how of RD click HERE.

The usual suspects clamor outside the Armory smoking in their too-packed clusters and inside the place feels more crowded than other nights, odd because all the bouts including this one have been sold out at the same capacity. Families with beach towels burrow in by the pink tape, dudes from the bleachers with obstructed views yell at little recycled punk-kids in front to ‘Sit down, sit the fuck down!’ and wives deadeye their husbands for gawking at the Britches’ pretty young thing mascot, all leg and red ruffled hotpant. The crowd seems a bit more drunk than they typically are at the beginning of matches – it was the Warrior Cup though, so maybe they had gotten here early, had been around for a while nursing their Cricket Hill Brewery hops. Strolling around everywhere with cups of beer are Broad Street Butcher girls such as Leggs Benedict, and they’re covered in sweat, covered in bruises.  And where are the Queens of Pain?

BUTCHERS KILL QUEENS

photo credit: Akira Takahashi

132-82

“Take that, New York.” – Black Eye Susan of the Broad Street Butchers

I missed the Broad Street Butchers/ Queens of Pain bout, thinking Saturday’s proceedings were scheduled for later when clearly they were not. My apologies to the Butchers, who proved again to be the fightenist team in the Philadelphia Roller Girls League when they took out New York’s three-time champions the Queens of Pain.

It sounds like I missed an epic match. Afterwards I caught up with the Butcher Girls, match announcers, photographers and game statisticians to get the details.

The Butchers over the Queens of Pain wasn’t quite wasn’t David and Goliath, but it was an upset in its own right. The Queens feature a national derby star in Suzy Hotrod, major talents Ana Bollocks and Donna Matrix and the prestige of being a part of the country’s no. 1 WFTDA- ranked team.  The Broad Street Butchers, conversely, were just 3^rd in the PRG, the product of several all-too-close heartbreakers.

The bout kept even for the first half with the Butchers holding their own - Persephone gave a crackerjack performance and Elle Viento stepped up – and ended with Butchers up 53-47 at the half. In the second half the Queens’ time in the sin bin, so often the determining factor in derby, left things open for ceaseless Butcher jams and a hometown victory. Congratulations girls.

Akira Takahashi

The Broad Street Butchers Celebrate their win

Britches vs. Hookers:  The Warrior Cup

Akira Takahashi

the Philty Britches cruise to victory

To inaugurate the championship match Hookers Tef and Felony Griffith sport bruising breakaway jams early but are countered right back by Britches Violet Temper and Mo Pain. Britch Gloria Gindem ends this relatively polite back-and-forth by tearing things open with a sick jam that finds the Britches ahead, 29-10. Despite their lead Britches’ jammers are in and out of the sin bin like fickle Catholic schoolgirls, and a team without a jammer is a fighter with their hands tied, but the Hookers make very little of it due to proficient Philthy blocking. When the Britches aren’t in the box, they encroach on the Hooker lead jammers and cut them off early and scoreless. But with powerhouse Britch Ginger Vitis in the bin, Tef and the Hookers finally find some light and are able to take advantage, bringing it near at 33-29. Violet pisses on their parade though, surging against Hooker Wendy Whiplash’s best ass-block stall to ultimately gets by and further her team’s lead. Then each team’s jammers find themselves in the bin and the bout tick-tocks until one is set free – it’s the Hookers and Felony tries to cut the lead but, finding herself boxed by Britches, executes the coveted Pivot-Jammer transfer, passing the *star* to Tef in an exciting maneuver that unfortunately goes from bang to whimper as it proves no help and little result. The stifled Hookers find further frustration with Ginger Vitis adding a few more to the Philthy lead by the half, 49-33.

Despite (or because of) the scoreboard, the Hookers have the crowd behind them and start strong with a collective effort spearheaded by Felony in the second half, narrowing the gap to only a few points. Opponents Ginger Vitis and Wendy Whiplash trade off jams to push both teams’ scores up, but then Hooker Ivana Rock and Britch Mo Pain lock themselves in a beautiful Godzilla/Mothra stalemate that denies points for each squad. Out of this stagnancy comes roaring Britch Gloria Gindem, and with the assist of more whip-its than a high school parking lot goes to work and after she’s done it’s at 64-45, Britches. But Tef and fellow Hooker Mandawar are unfazed, jamming ahead and getting the people loud. As an architect of this momentum, Tef builds on it by getting by Mo Pain and propelling herself further by whipping teammates so hard they fall over in her wake and everyone cheers for her, the people’s heroine, their wheeled Joan of Arc. It’s 66-64. Then the whistle blows and Gloria pulls ahead of Drugs, then pulls ahead of everyone, lapping the Hookers and putting on a clinic reminiscent of her first half performance. Hooker Ivana falls and with the clearing, Mo Pain shoulders ahead despite being turned backward at one point, jamming her ass off and adding onto Gloria’s pointage – the near-tie is now 92-64, Britches, happening in the time it takes to get a beer at vendors’ last call. And what was once so exciting is now akin to seeing a dead hooker flogged on the street. Tef and Felony and the rest of the girls try but their efforts are not enough, their jams too small. Violet pushes the lead and Mo Pain’s last jams dash Hooker Hope in the closing minutes as it becomes apparent the Britches will remain undefeated.  As announcer Hymen Heaven says, “And Britch Mercedes Bends takes it off into the sunset …” A 116-76 Philthy Britches Warrior Cup victory.

Top Hooker: Teflon Donna

Top Britch: Gloria Gindem

In a Sentence: The Hookers struggled all bout to keep up and once finally on the cusp in the second half got their dreams broken by an onslaught of irreversible Britch jams.

After the Britch/Hooker bout the inside of the Armory melts from housing a sporting event to a lazy neighborhood block party ambiance as the Philthy Britches are awarded their trophy and a slew of other honors are announced:

Warrior Cup MVP: Gloria Gindem

League MVP: Ginger Vitis

Best Blockers: Dara Licks and Nina Knockout

Best Pivot: Auntie Christ

Best Jammer: Persephone

Best Falls: Mandawar

The Warrior Cup had plenty of fresh meat in the audience – first-time ha ha’s over the announcement of the kitschier names a la Heavy Flo, inquiry about the girls calling off jams with, “Are they telling us to suck it?” And the children’s Kewpie wide eyes and peaking heads at these towering women with tree trunk pistons for thighs and falls like Niagara – women who enthralled and impressed and frightened with equal and seeming ease, the entertainment of their spectacle a byproduct of versed athleticism. The unconverted belonged to the church of Derby by night’s end and it appears the congregation will only grow over the summer.

The East Coast Derby Extravaganza (the most derby ever in one weekend) will go down on June 27-28 at Sportsplex in Feasterville. It will feature the all-star Liberty Belles in sanctioned bouts that go toward a season record that will hopefully have them sitting pretty by the time Nationals come to town in November.

Barring sensory overload, it’s the best introduction to the game imaginable.

This entry was posted on Friday, May 8th, 2009 at 11:55 am and is filed under Philly Roller Girls, Winners. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.