The Bell Curve

City Paper's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

- 4 South Street thieves John Benson and Sheakia Stubbs say they brought their 4-year-old son along on their heist to "help" them. "I'm a jewel mule!" exclaims kid. "I poop necklaces into colanders!"

- 1 Penn officials announce a 3.9 percent hike in tuition, room and board, and fees for the 2010-11 year. "But you can still be assholes," they assure students.

0 The theme of the 2010 Philadelphia International Flower Show is "Passport to the World." The subtitle's a little more on-point: "Great Lawns of the Recession."

+ 1 Stephen Wynn, the new prospective financier of Foxwoods Casino, says he'll build "the cutest casino you have ever seen." Yes, you're going to take our money like we're wittle bitty chiwldwen, but you don't have to talk like that.

- 6 Wynn also says he's excited that the area surrounding his venture is "full of my old friends — the Italians and Jews and every conceivable type of ethnic group that likes to play craps and gamble." Actually, we liked babytalk Steve better than Archie Bunker Steve.

+ 1 A study finds that a bike-sharing program in Philly would be possible. If Stu Bykofsky would just evolve. Evolve, Stu, evolve!

+ 3 The second Philadelphia Fashion Week in six months kicks off. First one didn't take.

+ 2 Penn officials say they will begin reaching out to LGBT college applicants. "As long as you're willing to pay our exorbitant prices, you can build a time machine, travel to the future, and fuck yourself for all we care," says Penn.

- 1 The Sixers announce Allen Iverson will not return for the rest of the season. Unless he would like to.

- 5 Dr. Phil interviews Lower Merion students about the webcam scandal. And, miraculously, the complicated issue is resolved in the span of an hour. Kidding. Dude's a lecherous fraud.

0 CBS3 meteorologist Maria LaRosa leaves the local station for a job on the Weather Channel. Which is a little like ascending into heaven, in that nobody will ever see her again.

This week's total: -10

Last week's total: -10