The Nutter Special

We're not so different from the Iron City.

by Isaiah Thompson

Editor's note: This is the first installment of everyone's new favorite column, Man Overboard!, wherein resident curmudgeon Isaiah Thompson waxes apoplectic about, well, whatever's grinding his gears. It's good for his blood pressure, so indulge him.

Well, hello Philadelphia — it's good to be back. I was on vacation — in Pittsburgh. "Pittsburgh?" you ask. For shame! You know some Manhattanite asshole is saying, "Philly?"

The Iron City isn't so different, it turns out. We say "youse," they say "yinz." We've got cheesesteaks, they put french fries on sandwiches. Not so different. For example, you won't believe what they're griping about right now: libraries!

No kidding! Turns out that the state's new budget cuts aid to libraries by 20 percent, forcing the Carnegie Library of Pittsburgh to hack just over a million out of its budget. They're closing four branches. Residents are pissed. Sound familiar?

They ought to take a play from our book — call it The Nutter Special. When Mayor Michael Nutter cut 20 percent of our library's budget last year, he, too, threatened branch closures. There was lots of hoorah when Nutter announced that the libraries would stay open, but he never bothered to give the money back — leaving the library to cut hours and staff instead. Brilliant!

You hear me, Pittsburgh? Don't close the branches — just underfund them! Of course, our libraries are going to face the ax — again — thanks to the state cuts. Where's a good slush fund when you need one? Enter Pittsburgh-area state Rep. Dan Frankel, who suggests that we bail out the library with ... gambling money! Now that's thinking. These casinos, they're like the ultimate daddy's credit card — "daddy" being the tiny, generous population of gambling enthusiasts who don't take "broke" for an answer, God bless 'em. Only they're getting harder to find. Pittsburgh's Rivers Casino is way behind expected revenue figures. In fact, Mayor Luke Ravenstahl recently commented that "they need to do more marketing."

That's the spirit! If gamblers are looking lean, let's fatten them back up for the kill. Maybe Ravenstahl and Nutter can do a little promotional tour — you know, stand outside the casinos with drink vouchers and dollar bills. Wait, I've got it. Why not move the slots right into the libraries and solve both problems at once? This way books, that way BLINGBLINGBLING! — think of the crossover! Old ladies are gonna love it.

(isaiah.thompson@citypaper.net)