The Bell Curve

City Paper's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

Commissioner Ramsey renews ties with Philadelphia Police Foundation, enlisting its help in buying 10 new Segways. "Weee!" says newly deployed Manayunk Segway Task Force. Even

Ramsey says he wants to bring back the mounted police unit John Street disbanded because of high costs. "One horse has one horsepower, naturally," says Ramsey. "But a horse on a Segway? Being pulled by horses? Who are also on Segways? Now that's some serious horsepower!" Plus 2

Nutter refuses to let Stephen Starr comp his Parc bill because it violates city ethics laws. John Street tilts head, gives him that look dogs make when they watch television. Plus 1

Fishtown Action is negotiating a deal with SugarHouse casinos that would offer $1 million in community give-backs. Huh. We always thought "Fishtown Action" was just another term for "Beer Goggles." Minus 4

M. Night Shyamalan says he will film his next movie at Chester County studio, even though it hasn't been built yet. "Did I just BLOW your mind?" Even

Burglars broke into a church in the Northeast twice over the weekend, making off with computers, a typewriter and copier. Philebrity admits guilt, then claims the incidents were satire. Minus 2

Nutter honors the Philadelphia Soul's first appearance in the ArenaBowl by temporarily renaming Love Park "Soul Park." In honor of this honor, Bell Curve will temporarily rename itself Get-to-Work-Nutter Curve. Even

Charles Barkley says he will pay the tuition of a Saloon busboy who had to put his education on hold due to financial hardship. Assuming this next card is an ace. Plus 2

Total Pluses: 5

Total Minuses: 6

This Week's Total: -1

Last Week's Total: -1980