Extreme Makeover: USA

America needs to do a better job selling itself.

by David Faris

A recent poll showed that a shocking 82 percent of Americans think the country's image has gotten worse under George W. Bush. Some foolish dirty hippies and terrorist fist-jabbers think we should change our policies, but to rehab our brand we should look instead to corporate America, the very engine of our national greatness and the repository of our highest aspirations.

There is no denying the underlying reality: America's reputation is so low that we've been labeled "curbside" on the global Craigslist. From Pakistan to Paraguay, the percentage of human beings who have a favorable view of the United States is unfathomably low.

Recognizing this market failure, America needs to do what America and Americans do best: a better job of selling ourselves. Bush crony Karen Hughes recently spent several pointless years trying to improve our standing in the global community as undersecretary for public diplomacy and public affairs. She failed, of course, but the problem was not with the principle, but with the execution.

When America's stock is tumbling, all it does is change its bureaucrats or tweak its hopelessly unpopular policies. George W. Bush, a man with years of experience leading failed corporations, baseball teams, states and countries, is the perfect man to head a total restructuring of the America brand during his last days in office.

There are times when a company needs to run away from its own hated acronym. That's why British Petroleum is now just BP, and its slogan is Beyond Petroleum — which happens to be what every driver dreams of when it's time to fill up the tank. Years ago during the mass hysteria for low-fat foods, Kentucky Fried Chicken became just KFC and insisted that the letters didn't mean a thing and that they were just a friendly, neighborhood restaurant.

We have a similar problem in that we desperately need to get away from the America in "USA." This is the easiest task of all, since after eight years of unhinged Republican rule, USA truly stands for nothing, except perhaps for launching unprovoked wars, torturing children, coming up with excuses not to sign treaties and electing colossally stupid leaders. The United States of America can now just be USA™.

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Third, we need to brag about how we don't do some really, really bad thing to obscure the fact that we do a bunch of other terrible things. Consider how Pringles and other nasty, artery-clogging, gut-expanding junk foods now proudly boast that they have "Zero Trans Fats!" I'm thinking of something like, "USA™: Settler-Colony Free Since 1776!*" or "USA™ Contains No Officially Sanctioned Domestic Slave Trade!"

We should also systematically sponsor things that the people who hate us seem to enjoy, like the USA™ World Cup, the USA™ World Conference on Racism and the USA™ Pilgrimage to Mecca.We need new symbols and slogans — clearly our flag should be rendered as an iPod rather than in a bunch of stars and stripes — and most of all we need more of everything, which shouldn't be a problem as long as we keep eating ourselves into a national diabetic coma. "USA™: 33 Percent More FREE!"

I've seen much more hopeless reclamation projects succeed — there are millions of hipsters out there right now drinking PBR, for crying out loud. And I'll bet you don't even know what it stands for.

*Excluding Hawaii

David Faris is a frequent Slant contributor. To reply to his Slant or write one of your own, e-mail your 625- to 650-word submission to Brian Howard, bhoward@citypaper.net.