Fit to be Kilt

Scotland

by Rodney Anonymous

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Published: Sep 18, 2007

Artist: Old Blind Dogs

Album: Four on the Floor

Country of Origin: Scotland

"It's SHITE being Scottish! We're the lowest of the low. The scum of the fucking Earth! The most wretched, miserable, servile, pathetic trash that was ever shat on by civilization. Some people hate the English. I don't. They're just wankers. We, on the other hand, are colonized by wankers. Can't even find a decent culture to get colonized by. We're ruled by effete assholes. It's a shite state of affairs to be in, Tommy, and all the fresh air in the world won't make any fucking difference!"

—Mark "Rent-boy" Renton, from Trainspotting

The Old Blind Dogs have combined a traditional Scottish melodic style with what we can only assume to be a handful of tranquilizers in order to create a monumentally dull CD. It's not bad, mind you; it's just dull — which is worse than bad. Four on the Floor is the aural equivalent of buying a loaf of white bread. Have you ever been to one of those municipally organized events at the park and heard the sort of bands that play while the kids get their faces painted? You know, those technically competent yet pedestrian combos who were hired to provide what is essentially background music for kite-flying competitions? You have. OK, then you get the idea.

This CD is even too boring to continue to write about, so let's talk about the legend of "Sawney" Bean instead. As the story goes, "Sawney" Bean was a 16th-century cannibal who lived in a cave with his large, incestuous family near Scotland's border with England. According to the myth, the Beans would waylay and eat unlucky travelers, thereby proving the old adage that "the family that grinds together, dines together." Now that's song material.

No only do we need to invade Scotland, but it should be a traditional King Edward I Longshanks (great porn-star name, Eddie) style invasion with archers and trebuchets. Maybe that would wake these boys up enough to fulfill their destiny and write "The Bonny Lass with the Bony Ass."

(r_anonymous@citypaper.net)

We're guessing you won't find Rodney at the Old Blind Dogs show at Tin Angel on Sept. 27.

 

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