The Hot List

Who are the hottest mother 'effers in all of Philadelphia?

by Ashlea Halpern

What makes a Philadelphian sexy? Is it power? Money? Fame? Heroin-boy-skinny, razor-blade hip bones? The Illadelph blog's done a fine roundup of local newscasters, and when it comes to sexy singles, Philly Mag and the Daily News have the market cornered. No doubt these peeps are hotter than Al Gore's apocalypse — they just ain't my type. So, to even the playing field for Philly's sexiest underdogs, I present Paper Doll's Ultimate Hot List — the most do-able sexpots in all of Philadelphia.

Allow me an amuse bouche, if you will, by firstly saluting restaurant god/king-of-the-world Stephen Starr. How many joints does this dude own now? So many that he's thrown himself at A.C. and New York for the last 365 days. And as any lover scorned can tell you, nothing's hotter than lusting after a man who lusts after something greater.

While we're on the topic of food, I have a sensual, soft spot for Inky crit Craig LaBan. Admittedly, I don't know what the guy looks like. (That's sorta the point.) But oh, sweet mercy, the way he can crush the hopes and dreams of young entrepreneurs and seasoned restaurateurs in one fell review. Besides, anyone with 11 some-odd credit cards and 18 squillion disguises must know a thing or two about role-playing.

On a musical note, there's V.I.P.'s gorgeous, puffy-lipped, ever-edgy rapper Jonny Makeup, who I've only sorta stalked. (My, did he put the heat in that Starbucks triple latte.) And Daniel Matsukawa, principal bassoon in the Philadelphia Orchestra, is bringing sexy back the symphonic way. The bassoon is perhaps the silliest-looking double-reeder, but against Matsukawa's lips, it's shiver me timbres all the way through Boléro. Other musical shout-outs: Fishtown hip-hopper Mr. Lif for those feline dreads, Hands and Knees spinster John Redden for that chromed-up chopper and WXPN sweetheart Melody Gardot for having the most soulful pipes this side of Aretha.

In the politico arena, I elect so-squeaky-it-hurts ex-Councilman Michael Nutter to the Hot List for his dapper suits and dadlike smile. The man rolled at least two deep at the City Paper 25th anniversary party — just imagine the places he could take his posse if he won mayorship!

Gender benders are indubitably sexy, too; one of my personal faves is martini-swilling lounge lizard Wang Newton, a darling little bonbon wrapped in cheap polyester and capped with a shellacked wiglet. Also worthy of a sexiest shout-out: Le Cabaret Mélange's fey-licious Jeffrey Marsh. With gams to die for, silvery painted-on eyebrows and that demure, please-sir-may-I-have-some-more pout, I suspect Marsh is the queen of countless hearts.

What's a Hot List without honorable mentions? Show some love for gazellesque dancer Nichole Canuso, Arthur publisher and Cali-transplant Laris Kreslins, illustrators/husband-and-wife team Gina Triplett and Matt Curtius, pro tat-twirler Candy Mayhem, currently unsigned journeyman catcher/'stache rocker Sal Fasano, Space 1026 co-founder Maximillian Lawrence and ... drum roll please ... that Russian nesting doll of a mascot Phillie Phanatic. You know, if you're into the furry thing.

In other pressing news ... Paper Doll is moving to Naked City. Starting next week, I'll be writing less frequently but more in-depth about topics that bewilder and titillate — and not necessarily in that order. Catch you on the rebound, kids.

Questions? Comments? Don't you know how sweet and wonderful life can be? E-mail ashlea.halpern@citypaper.net. No phone calls.