USSR

Rodney Anonymous vs. The World

by Rodney Anonymous

Rodney Anonymous vs. the World

Artist: Various Pinkos

Album: The Best of Communism: A Selection of Revolutionary Songs

Country of Origin: USSR

When viewed through the prism of the Global War on Terror®, the 40-year standoff between the United States and the Soviet Union, affectionately known as the Cold War, looks quaint and charming. Oh sure, the Hollywood 10 were blacklisted and did a little time, but Ring Lardner Jr. was never fitted with an orange jumpsuit, whisked away to Gitmo and repeatedly "interrogated" in the backside with a cattle prod. And while Julius and Ethel Rosenberg may have both died in the electric chair, at least we know that they were, indeed, executed. It's not as if they just disappeared one day and were never heard from again like that nice Pakistani guy you used to carpool with.

In recent weeks, this sudden nostalgia for the era of the Iron Curtain has manifested itself in the form of a new James Bond movie, a polonium-poisoned Russian spy and a planned remake of the 1984 Patrick Swayze right-wing fantasy Red Dawn. WOLVERINES! If you plan on riding the crimson surf of this fad, you're gonna need The Best of Communism (or Valogatott Mozgalmi Dalok in pinko-commie-speak). The good folks at the Gong label have gathered together over an hour's worth of proletarian chart-toppers that'll have you shouting, "Kick out the jams, Mother Russia!" There's that old chestnut "Onward Youth, for Socialism" (often called the "You Don't Bring Me Flowers" of the Siberian gulags), the requisite megahit "We Thank You, Comrade Rakos!" and a few indie favorites like "Forward Together with the Party and the People" and "The Happy Pioneer (A climbing squirrel in cheer/ So joyful is the pioneer)."

Verdict:

Shutting down the former USSR was the worst mistake America ever made. Compared to the crazed fundamentalists America is now engaged in a conflict with, a bunch of Godless Commies don't look so bad, do they? If the people of the USA can master the Nintendo Wii, then surely our nation can scrape together the cash to put the Soviet Union back on the map ("Collective Farm Aid," anyone?) just so we can wipe 'em off it all over again and then repeat the process as often as necessary. WOLVERINES!

(r_anonymous@citypaper.net)

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