Unbeknownst to City Council, PGW doles out a half million dollars in bonuses to its top officials; President Thomas Knudsen attributes it to "the need to retain talented people." He strokes his hairless cat, Mister Knuglesworth, raises his pinky to the corner of his mouth and says, "I asked for one meellion dollars." Minus 5

Mayor Street unveils his new disaster preparedness campaign, with spokesman David Morse, called "Ready — or Not?" "The answer," says Hack, in his lone speaking role, "is not." Plus 2

Linda Swain, host of NBC10's "Moms on the Move" segment, has been picked up for a national show to debut in October. A classic story: have a kid, leave the city. Even

Bassett's unveils "Owl Golden," an ice cream flavor honoring Temple football coach Al Golden. Also available as Football Puss ice cream cake. Minus 62

Eagles defensive end Jevon Kearse is out for the season with injury. Bassett's unveils Knock-Knee Road. Minus 2

City controller says L&I often takes four times longer than it should to investigate dangerous buildings. "We don't have time for these allegations," says L&I spokesperson. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have a monkey house to inspect." Minus 4

Flyers coach Ken Hitchcock gets a new three-year contract. "Now all we need are four more lumbering, dim-witted, club-footed Uruk-Hai defensemen," says GM Bob Clarke. Plus 3

Drexel School of Public Health professor John A. Rich wins MacArthur "genius" grant. "Oops," says Mr. MacArthur. "Google Maps said you were at Penn." Plus 1

Total Pluses: 6
Total Minuses: 73
This Week's Total: -67
Last Week's Total: 3