America's Cutest Puppy Search, Sat., Sept. 23, 8 a.m., free, Best Friends Pet Care, 1150 Easton Rd., Willow Grove, 215-659-3441

If Rittenhouse's recent Carnivale of the Dogs wasn't enough to soothe your not-so-savage beast—and honestly, seeing that sick parade of Best Dog and Parent Look-alikes soothed nothing—America's Cutest Puppy Search is for you.

Yep, I'm one of those people. If you told me your kid got hit by a train or eaten—no, shredded—by cougars, I wouldn't blink. But if you cut your pooch's nails and he yelped, I'd be snuffling through Kleenex like I'd just hit the messy end of an uncut coke binge.

Here we are, dragging out our adorable 4- to 8-month-old mutts for analysis. Not only for audience judgment, mind you, but also the piercing glance of producers for WE: Women's Entertainment, who are casting for a doggie reality show that'll air in 2007.

Ultimately then, the question becomes less about whether your dalmatian or chocolate lab is ready. Are you? Mwahmwahmwah, I know you are … c'mon, who's a good contestant?