Students. My name is A.D. Amorosi. I'm the creepy funny guy what writes Icepack as well as a bunch of art, music and social stuff. I just want to welcome (your name here) — whether for the first time, the next time, or damn near the last time. That's on you, brother. (I said that like Hulk Hogan, under my breath.) As for what you girls and boys should and shouldn't be doing now that you're here, there's some simple rules. If there's more than two of the places you'd like to sample (e.g. Copa), don't go. That's a chain. Chains are bad. Unless you want ribs. Plus, we know you may be ready to go the "hipster" route because you didn't get that check from your folks yet — but I'm begging you: Match your patterns properly. You're gonna be so tempted to do the un-matching thing across the board. Don't. It doesn't matter how much of Fishtown (a place that surprisingly has few fish in it, newbie) dresses like that. It. Is. Wrong. And no matter who keeps steering you too far North (a magical place called NoLibs) or South (Geno's Steaks) start at the Center. It's nice. I'll see you there. Remember "reading is fun-damental"? No. OK. Writing gypsy Nicole McEwan (Ritz Filmbill) does. The South-to-West Philly native did so bee-u-tiful a job storytelling as part of the "Philadelphia Freedom" event at ICA in July, Nicole's bringing storytelling to Bar Noir as an early Monday-eve biweekly starting Sept. 18. "Each event'll be loosely organized around a theme," says McEwan, such as "Philadelphia Stories" (the first night) and "Working for a Living" (the second). "It's your reality — no TV," she exclaims. First up: Soft Skull press poet CA Conrad, Fishtown encyclopediac Sean Stevens and writer Jason Ross. Also at Bar Noir that evening: jazzfolkie Danielle Norwalks, the snorting Fifty8Fury and rootin' tootin' howler/Locust Bar karaoke enthusiast Kim Alexander's band Hank's Cadillac. Alexander (a former WXPN-FM DJ), bassist Scott Rodgers and their gnarly Hank'll say 'bye that night to honky-tonk steel guitarist Joe Adams who's San Fran bound. Dobro sob! Ooh. And I'd be real amiss if I didn't tell you how great a charity the LitPac.org Democratic Party Fundraiser is (Khyber, Sept. 20) and what a lame-o cast of Philly writers (Ken Kalfus, Jennifer Weiner) they've got lined up ahead of Buzz Bissinger. WHOWHATWHERE: It was "your-week-in-wax" with the taffy-stretched faces we came upon. Like Comcast mom Suzanne Roberts spied eating at Devon. "She looks just like the real thing," said Needles Jones in horror. Like Sly Stallone who's hardly moving visage at the post-Rocky dedication at the Water Works looked not unlike ... a statue. Why not age naturally — like Lauren Bacall who, upon picking up the inaugural award from Bryn Mawr College's Katharine Hepburn Center, brought sexy back in her form-fitting black suit, windswept hair and much sassy-tude. Not so well-preserved — the old punks at the R5/Unitarian Church Radio Birdman gig: crowd and band. Oy. Still young 'n' full of natural collagen: the producers of Luny Tunes — Tego Calderon's buds who hung with Afrotaino Productions/Siembra Project's DJ Rahsaan at Taller Puertorriqueño. Plotting surprises for Sept. 24's Puerto Rican Day Parade. Yo! Connie Stevens and her daughter Joely Fisher were at Isgro's on Christian St. Not-as-skinny-as-his-ex DJ AM supped at El Vez before spinning at McFadden's. Wait. McFadden's? Isn't AM s'posed to be jocking large? I DJ bigger rooms than McFadden's. Guess he was bigger all hooked up with Nicole Richie. Before opening for Colin Quinn's starting-Sept. 14 run at Helium, Philly-born comedian Joe DeRosa (Premium Blend, Carson Daly) crushed at Danny Ozark's Notebook at Bar Noir. Who was the hit of the Tweeter Center's Opie & Anthony's Traveling Virus show? Ex-Chappelle Show guy Bill Burr whose anti-Philly rant (our Liberty Bell sucks, we suck for booing homeboy Dom Irrera) can be seen heyah: youtube.com/watch?v=bmLfz_cqoqw. Buzz before the announcement of the Academy Ball's 150th go-round Jan. 27 finds Prince Charles and his horsy missus Camilla attending with Rod Stewart entertaining the bow-tied daddies of the Academy of Music. Raaathah. We know that West Philly's handsome The Cinema is shutting down as Walnut in front of it gets ripped up for a bit. Before moving its film series to the Rotunda (along with other events) Sherman Arts'll host a weekend of special curators like Andrew Repasky McElhinney, Mike Zaleski and Eric Carbonara Sept. 22 to 24 at The Cinema (www.shermanarts.org). But we hear rumors running rampant 'round what's open and what's closing in rub-I-mean-clubland. Like why's Shampoo cancelling a gazillion events? They're not closing. But there's restructuring/reorganization afoot — like hiring Ian "Brittany Lynn" Morrison as Shampoo's head promoter for Shaft Fridays. Does this have anything to do with Shampoo owners Barry Gutin and Larry Cohen expanding Cuba Libre operations in A.C. and O.C.? (They hired Guillermo Pernot from ¡Pasión! to exec chef the Libre's rumored biggening. No, Pernot isn't leaving ¡Pasión!). And what's all this I hear about Fergie's Pub being insensitive to its open-mic crowd? I say, you can't be insensitive enough. Beasley Reece will host the glammy-anthemic In the Fur on his CBS-3 TV show that same morning. Huh?! We love that band. Don't you dare spoil them for me, Beaze. I know you tried taking Danny Ozark from me too. Life and death — the cycle: While we welcome Crown of Creation's hair-master Heschi's second set of twins (Rebecca Ella and Mariah Anne) — and that brings his total children to eight, folks — we say a sad goodbye to lovable luggish Evening Bulletin society columnist Brian Rochford. He died at 45 — supposedly a heart attack. That's too young, period. But it's too young for a guy who I'd always witness reveling in the goodly silliness of this city's party scene. He made it impossible to be jaded.

(a_amorosi@citypaper.net)