An Economist article exposes Inky publisher Brian Tierney's fascination with experimental Mentos-in-the-Coke-bottle videos. "Now if you'll excuse me," says Tierney, "It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time." Minus 1

Delilah's is named America's Gentleman's Club of the Year at Las Vegas Gentleman's Club Expo. But as per their own rules, they didn't crack a smile until they got to the back room. Plus 2

The Philadelphia Zoo announces the birth of a male giant jumping rat, an endangered species. Bill Conlin awakens from nap, suggests the Phillies platoon him with Abraham Nunez at third base, returns to slumber. Plus 9

Attorney General Tom Corbett rules that those seeking political office in Philadelphia no longer need to recite the unconstitutional "loyalty oath." "Instead," says Corbett, "they simply have to wear a funny hat and recite, 'I am sofa king, we Todd it.'" Plus 1

The community of Chestnut Hill squares off against Commerce Bank in front of the city's Zoning Board of Adjustment. "A duel will settle this!" says Chestnut Hill resident, while pulling his white dueling gloves on. Minus 1

The city posts a $202 million budget surplus from its fiscal year, which ended June 30. Milton drools out the side of his mouth and feels a tingling in his pocket, kind of like how someone who lost a limb feels when you start talking about arms, toes and stuff. Plus 3

Philadelphia Barrage defeat the Denver Outlaws, 23-12, to win the Major League Lacrosse title. Which would be totally fucking awesome, so absolutely parade-worthy, if anybody — N E Bah Dee — knew Philadelphia had a Major League Lacrosse team. Plus 2

City Councilman Frank Rizzo weds longtime girlfriend Deborah Altemus. And the kitty in the Council pool goes unclaimed. Plus 2

Total Minuses: 2

This Week's Total: 17

Last Week's Total: 2