This is the third installment of my parents' kinky advice column, which means this is the third time I've had to endure my father saying the words "cock" and "balls" in the same sentence.

In a special twist, however, they're not answering questions submitted to me by City Paper readers, but questions sent to other sex columnists from around the country.

So thank you Andrea Nemerson (alt.sex.column), Dan Savage ("Savage Love") and Amy Levine (Cosmo's "Carnal Counselor"). Thank you for reminding me in such cruel fashion how I was brought unto this green earth. And thank you for making me discuss with my parents post-ass banging cleanup.

Q: I would like to know if leeches can be used on female nipples and clits? —Sucky

Mom: I have never heard of such a thing. I know they used leeches for sucking blood during medieval times to rid the body of certain illnesses. I am wondering what turns you on — the sucking, the bloodletting or the pain? Surely you can find a substitute from a kink shop without having to handle nasty critters!

Dad: I don't see why not. They're overrated, though. It's not like they create any kind of vacuum sensation — it's a very slow draw. When you're walking through a swamp, you don't even know they're on your legs until you get out. It's got to have more of a psychological effect than physiological.

Q: I know this sounds like an unusual complaint, but my boyfriend takes ages to come! This was something that suited me for a while, since it gave me plenty of time to climax. But there are limits to how many orgasms you can have before you start to get sore. He just thrusts away like his life depends on it. How can I deal with this without lessening his enjoyment? —Unsigned

Mom: Decide how many times you can endure his rabbit-fucking session, and then call a halt to it. When one partner's pain transcends the pleasure limit, it's time to make changes. If RabbitMan wants to continue, let him grab his manhandle and take over.

Dad: Start with a thumb up his ass and press on his prostate. It'll increase pressure and force his semen out.

Q: I am a straight woman who likes getting fucked in the ass. My boyfriend enjoys fucking my ass, so it works out well. My problem is this: After he shoots a big load of come in my ass, it leaks back out for the rest of the day — along with other, less appetizing, substances. It makes quite a mess in my pants, smells bad, and is uncomfortable. Is there anything I can do to avoid this situation — short of using a condom? —Love The Come Hate The Mess

Mom: Leaks back out the rest of the day? Whew! I guess I just don't hang with major gushers because I never had this problem. Go to the bathroom and clean up. Sit on the toilet and try to express your rectum as if you needed to fart. Wear a panty guard. Another idea: Get him to come before you use the back door. That should help reduce his load.

Dad: It's called a bidet, and it does a wonderful job. It would solve 98 percent of your problems.