There's a clip floating around the Internet of a Nelly Furtado appearance on Canadian television in which she does sneering imitations of bigger stars including Britney Spears and Alanis Morissette. It's an ugly clip, and Furtado comes off pompous and condescending, but it goes a long way to explaining the failure of Loose, a record that's just as hollow and false as its dreadful first single would lead you to believe. Someone somewhere decided Furtado needed a career revival and somehow convinced Timbaland to follow her, follow her, follow her, follow her down, down, down. The result is a record full of static, radar-blip production that sounds like something Timbo dashed off one Sunday for extra credit. The biggest problem with Loose, though, is Furtado— who, as the MTV clip reveals, was never a great vocalist so much as a canny mimic. She does a decent Paula Cole but a terrible Madonna, and her voice isn't nearly pliant enough to navigate this terrain. To compensate, she plays at sex kitten, churning out unconvincing come-ons (at one point she rhymes "here for" with "nympho") and hoping no one will be the wiser. Loose wants to be a reinvention, but just ends up vaguely hip and thoroughly ignorable. It's the first great hair salon record of 2006.

Go to www.jedwardkeyes.com for the cure.