Philly is worst of the country's 10 largest cities when it comes to frequency of restaurant inspections, says Inky. "Joe Vento wouldn't let us in," say inspectors. "He found out one of us was French-Canadian and started screaming for us to get off his porch. He doesn't even have a porch." Minus 6

U.S. Food and Drug Administration recommends restaurants be inspected three times a year; Philadelphia restaurants get inspected about once every 15.4 months. Which, coincidentally is how long Cheez Whiz keeps unrefrigerated. Minus 5

Sunoco donates $1 million to the Free Library's $120 million renovation project. "Thanks," says Library. "Now excuse me while I wash this blood off my hands." Plus 1

Geno's Steaks faces increasing pressure to remove its "Speak English" sign. Says Joe Vento, "I guess I'll flip it back over to the 'Employees Must Wash Hands' side for awhile." Plus 5

Homicides are down in other big cities, but they're on the rise in Philly, says FBI report. The producers of Cold Case are like, "Oh, that's terrible;" later, they buy each other Rolexes. Minus 8

Cops arrest the East Mount Airy man who used a crane to steal newsstands in April. "Sorry," say cops. "We would have caught him earlier but we were busy rolling around in our piles and piles of free flight vouchers." Plus 1

City Council considers adding a question to the November ballot asking whether the U.S. should remove its troops from Iraq immediately. In other words: Is Iraq more fun when you sleep over? Plus 1

A group of women ambush and physically attack West Catholic High School girls on their way home from exams. "I thought I'd seen it all," says principal, "but those were some baaad muthas." Minus 4

Total pluses: 8

Last week's total: -6