With neighboring Doc Johnson's closed, waiting in line at the Criminal Justice Center's been a rotten boring drag. But come May 30 Philly will offer criminal offender records online on a still-unnamed site. Ashamed, right? That picture you took wasn't very flattering. Don't disparage the dot.com. Rather than find this an invasion of privacy, think whatta casting boom it'll offer mooks looking to break in to something other than a warehouse—like the guys who tried to get Chazz Palm-interi's attention last week when he was eating inside Frederick's. Just take a better picture next time.

You think it's rough justice 'tween Tony "Basquiat" Smyrski and Joe "The" Barber (Room 803, CrimJustCenter), how do you think Philly's Wes Pentz, aka Diplo, feels about his woman, M.I.A. , dissed by U.S. immigration and refused admittance?

What's Donald Trump doing when he ain't polling East Falls regarding sassy TrumpStreet slots proposal? Having his own 60th birthday party at Trump Taj Mahal, A.C.—a weird 007-themed affair where the women were warm (grab a short-haired black model, put her in an orange bikini; Voila! "Halle Berry"), the men were cold (Lugar-toting Trump shoots dancing boys as his entrance!) and The Donald got to faux-kick a Bond girl. "Sometimes you have to mess one up," said Trump of booting a babe. So true, D! Now we understand Ivana's whole battered Soviet bloc look. Sadly, Trump's bash was the same day Souf Philly's Riverfront Communities United held their anti-Foxwoods Casino rally. Since I have my Creamsicle-colored flier/questionnaire and have till June 2 to get it back, I'm mulling the "raise your family near a casino" question. It'd be so much easier if my kids could knock off a few slots for me.

Bandleaders: Why wait till group projects come together? Yiping Clap Your Hands local Alec Ounsworth debuts Flashy Python and the Body-Snatchers in Philly June 20 at World Café Live. Say yeah. And Andrew Lipke of fancy Franzschubert can't wait to finish their new CD. So Lipke's gotten spooky-coustic for his debut CD, Ghosts. V. good. Still, a li'l solo Ghost won't stop Andrew from hanging Franz's shingle with Ian Jarvis for a regular WCL residency starting May 27.

Last summer, rumor told me Retail Planning & Construction outta Bensalem was redoing H&M at 16th and making a new one at Borders Books spot at 18th and Walnut. While H&M 18th has started (love the barricades reading "one just isn't enough"), Bill Bradley and Steve Malley hired hairdresser Scott Chestnut as site manager/broker guy. And that same company is in talks, just-talks to do their Public House pal Brian Harrington's new Southwest steak house concept (Agave?) with chef Terry White that's hitting floor one of the MaBell building across from Comcast at 19th.

Drummer Jon Kois' made something harder and creepier than what he did with Marah and Three4Tens. Returner with Chris Fear and Bitchslicer's King Gary is meat-grinding moozik a la King Diamond sucking Fantomas' cock. And they have a CD, Dealing With This Death, to prove it. They'll debut that CD, appropriately, on Mem-orial Day, May 29, at Bar Noir with Skeleton Proof Tanks and Electro Quarter Staff.

For this phase of her career with Bawdy Girls, Jenny Balls promises "calamity" while collaborating with the Hellcat Burlesque and its Pussy Galore premiere May 25 at Whiskey Dix. "I'll be flashing pasties all night en homage to their tit-a-lating art," says Balls 'bout the night's bump 'n' grind.

THEAATAAH: While Society Hill Playhouse extends their gorgeous take on Manuel Puig's Kiss of the Spider Woman starring the Hill's black-box main man, G. "G. Star" DeCandia, and his semiotician buddy Oscar Dubon until June 10 (see this before InterAct does Kiss in September), you only have a few days—till May 28—to see Southwark housing project alumnus James Lane in The Pirate at the Prince. "I was up and moving kids through Michael Jackson's Thriller since kindergarten," says Lane from Johnny Rockets, talking about a lifelong commitment to dance after time spent with Roni Koresh's company where he still takes classes. Now that Lane, 28, has made it out of the projects and kicked so much ass in this original Pirate jawn, better catch him quick. Lane's on to Broadway for a role in A Chorus Line starting two weeks after Pirate. "That is the dream, baby. I'm blessed."

Weird eats o' the week: No we didn't like Tom Hanks' hair in The Da Vinci Code. But we're pretty convinced Franco Borda's Da Vinci Code Pizza (the secret is Nutella) at Franco & Luigi's will have you thanking Jesus and Mary Magdalene.

So Doug Wallen will be gone soon, off touring the planet with his label (Future Furniture) and its partner (illustrator/bassist Beto Alvarez) and their label's debut band (Alvarez's Walker Lundee) who are recording bits with Nick Krill from Spinto Band. So you should see all of them at Manhattan Room May 27 because it will be over and you will hate yourself if not. Or hit The Fire May 30 and see the last solo show of Tooth Aaron MoDavis. Also on the bill: Walker's Robert West.

Credit where credit's due: We liked 'em before. How can you not like a site that disses Audrey Taich-man's attitude while praising her breastseses? But after breaking the still-weird circumstances behind the yes-never-never-no-health code violations between local food inspectors with hard-ons, Eater.Curbed.com, Philly Mag, and all 700 Stephen Starr restaurants, huzzah and kudos to Philly's The Illadelph (www.theilladelph.blogspot.com).

We bid a sad farewell to Joe Lanza, the Philly Orchestra's South Philly-born violinist who passed over the weekend.

(a_amorosi@citypaper.net)