With all of this recent gun ruckus—that's editor-speak for shooting the living shit out of each other -- I've been waiting for a parent to step in.

And I wait.

And wait.

And …

Wait! Finally this past Monday, Mayor Street stepped into the living room of the city and addressed the gun-crazed citizens of Philadelphia. In case you missed it, let me take you back to some key moments. The mayor said:

"There are too many guns in our country. Every year, there are 30,000 deaths from gun violence in the United States."

Interesting move. Kind of like Dad saying, "There are too many kids beating the shit out of other kids in this neighborhood." In other words, it's not just a problem in this house. It's a problem in houses all the hell over the neighborhood. Crazy kids is crazy kids.

But then Mayor Street promised to do something about it:

"I will continue to fight in Harrisburg and Washington with other mayors from across America and others who believe we need tougher gun laws."

Translation: I'm getting together with a bunch of parents to try to smack some sense into these crazy kids. And we're going to do it by … oh, I know! Getting rids of kids' hands. They don't have hands, they won't be able to hit, right?

Never mind that kids don't fight because they have hands. They fight because they're bored or poor or were laid off or poorly educated or addicted to drugs or any combination of the above. Or see no reason why they shouldn't fight because, well, their parents aren't looking.

But yeah, let's just focus on taking away their hands.

Now, as for the rest of you, Mayor Street continued:

"Today's arrest resulted from diligent police work and hundreds of tips from the public. I encourage citizens to continue calling in tips."

That's right. He's talkin' tattletales. The mayor is saying: I can hear the ruckus coming from the next room. But unless your older brother or sister steps up to snitch you out, hey, look, I'm busy playing seven-card stud with Uncle Joe here.

"The police cannot solve the problem of violence alone."

True. Cops are not able to do it alone. Especially when they're spread thin, and asked to work overtime to patrol our neighborhoods. And in sore need of at least 500 more uniformed officers on the streets to show thugs that yes, there are parents at home.

"We need the community's involvement to ensure Philadelphia remains the safest big city in America."

Sorry. I just spit out my water. America's safest big city?

What we have here is an absentee father bragging about how safe the house is when the kids are walking around with black eyes and bloodied lips. Mr. Mayor … Dad … we are not safe. Just because you say something in front of a bank of microphones doesn't make it true.

(And for the record, I believe "New York City" probably qualifies as the safest big city, unless you only define "big city" as cities with populations between 1.47 and 1.9 million.)

Mayor Street has been a tremendously shitty father as of late, hiding when our city needs to hear from him the most. Why does he have so much trouble talking to us, parent to child? Just reassuring us he's paying attention would go a long way. It's a simple matter of: Look, I know this stuff is wrong. You shouldn't have to live like this. Here's what I'm going to do about it.

You know. Typical parent-child stuff.

Then again, perhaps Mayor Street is smart to try to shift our attention to the rest of the nation. We've got absentee parents all over the place.

This week's cover package—in which Sam Adams talks to the guy who could have (and should have) been elected Daddy back in 2000—underscores what can happen when there's not an authority figure looking after the important stuff (like, um, possible widespread environmental disaster). Even though we're all growed up, we still need parents. What we have instead is George W. Bush playing Big Brother.