Sat.-Sun., May 27-28, 1 p.m., $29.50-$40, Penn's Landing Festival Pier at Columbus Blvd., www.jamontheriver.com

Who You'll See: Giant, dirty beards that house families of sparrows, oddly attractive girls in batik-cloth skirts and Ween. Hidden Danger: Be mindful of anyone who says "crunchy" to describe music, and glassy-eyed private school kids offering you "killer nugs for killer prices." Escape Tactic: Catcall the Secret Machines for using conventional deodorant in lieu of patchouli. This will trigger a booing chain reaction, creating a two- to five-hour window of time to get away. Nearest Place to Get Hammered: OK, so going to the 700 Club (700 N. Second St.) is an equal trade-off between hazardous hippies and hazardous hipsters. But at least it smells better.

Jam on the River

Pre-party, Fri., May 26, 9 p.m.-2 a.m., Emerald City, 460 N. Second St.; main event, Sat., May 27, 9 p.m.-6 a.m., Shampoo Nightclub, 417 N. Eighth St.; after-party, Sun., May 28, 6 a.m.-noon, Emerald City, $35-$40, www.local13.com

Who You'll See: More than 30 DJs, that kid from high school who wore the same UFO pants every day and people who pop Ecstasy like Certs. Hidden Danger: Whistle's a "three-day indoor/outdoor music festival," which is a nice of way of saying "for 72 hours, you'll be around people who know the difference between ambient house and happy hardcore." Escape Tactic: Toss a bag of free glowsticks into the fray and watch revelers breakdance-fight over who gets the blue ones. Nearest Place to Get Hammered: You can technically drink at 'Poo, but that's no fun because you'd still be hearing techno. While Beyond (Eighth and Callowhill sts.) is a bit pricey, you don't have to worry about the gropes of E-tards.

Runs May 25-June 3, $2-$120, Berkley and Valley Forge roads, Devon, Pa., 610-964-0550, www.thedevonhorseshow.com

Who You'll See: Grown men who think they look dope in riding pants, little girls who actually own ponies and rich moms on Valium. Hidden Danger: Horse poop landmines. Everywhere. Escape Tactic: During one of the jumping events, crack a deliberately ill-timed Christopher Reeve joke. Answer the ensuing awkward silence with the classic "Thanks, you've been great. Good night, Devon!" Then run like hell. Nearest Place to Get Hammered: Drive up the Main Line to Casey's Olde Ale House (543 Lancaster Ave.), where the beer's cold and the patrons are refreshingly non-equine.

Sat.-Mon., May 27-29, 10 a.m.-5 p.m., $10, Brandywine River Museum, U.S. Route 1 and Creek Road, Chadds Ford, Pa., 610-388-2700

Who You'll See: Middle-aged women who get off watching Antiques Roadshow host Mark L. Walberg handle Victorian tea cozies, the Amish and your mom. Hidden Danger: Dude, if mamadukes catches you, she's going to force you to haul a Victorian armoire into the back of her Nissan Quest. Escape Tactic: Protest the "Evolution of Dining Tables in the 18th Century" speech by citing passages from Genesis. When they ask you what you're talking about, call them un-American. Shit works for Tucker Carlson all the time. Nearest Place to Get Hammered: The Chadds Ford Tavern (96A Baltimore Pike) has beer and wine, no heavy lifting required.