Of course, Kelly, Minnelli and Garland are unavailable for a new stage version. Also gone are the sumptuous production values and lush orchestrations that no theater today could afford. And the five original Porter songs—even if they were better than they are—aren't nearly enough for a theater musical. The stage score must be augmented by additional numbers, shoehorned in from other sources.

So we are left to hope for a spark of transformative creativity from the screen-to-stage adapters. But looking at the Prince production, I can only wonder—what were they thinking??

The story has some potential (girl falls in love with man she thinks is a pirate, only to discover that he's really just a second-rate actor), but here it's a collection of trite one-liners. (There's also a secondary plotline about voodoo that makes no sense.) A number of well-known Porter songs are added—some of these are first-rate, but you wouldn't know it to judge from the tacky arrangements and a stringless pit band that sounds like a karaoke CD. (There's also additional music and lyrics not by Porter—the less said about these, the better.)

Nor can this cast overcome their material. Seán Martin Hingston (Serafin, the Kelly role) is a singer and dancer of great charm—but here he's an implausible leading man, and his stage gymnastics look like a compendium of stupid pet tricks. Andrea Burns (Manuela, the Garland part) sings well but without any particular specialness. Ensemble performers all overact—presumably a choice of the director. Cardboard cutout sets and ugly costumes complete the sense of debilitating economy.

In a Broadway season when fans of the lyric stage must choose from the likes of Lestat, Jersey Boys and The Wedding Singer, the idea of a "new Cole Porter musical" (as the Prince describes their Pirate) sounds like manna from heaven. But don't be misled! This is no showcase for one of America's greatest composers and lyricists. I can only imagine what Cole—and Judy and Gene and Vincente—are thinking now.

THE PIRATE

Through May 28, Prince Music Theater, 1412 Chestnut St., 215-569-9700