Now, I won't go so far as Byko, who's taken to calling them "Nicotine Nazis" in his admirable coverage of the issue for the Daily News. I'll happily settle for "Smoke Fascists," the black-shirted types who try to establish state control over personal lives. Well, what's going on in Cubsland finally, and wholly, exposes them as the bait-and-switch shysters they truly are. To wit:

Anti-smoking advocates nationwide argue that public puffing presents a health risk, especially for people who work in "the industry." So last December, Chicago's City Council voted 46-1 to ban smoking in most public places. They gave bars and taverns until 2008 to catch up, but exempted businesses that derive 65 percent of their sales from tobacco, a tiny loophole for establishments that nobody but a smoker would patronize.

So what happens next? Someone opens a lounge that derives 65 percent of its sales from tobacco. It's called the Marshall McGearty Tobacco Artisans, and you wouldn't be wrong to call it a front for R.J. Reynolds; the cancer merchant is its corporate backer.

With a Web site that, under a prominent surgeon general's warning, reads, "Venture forth into the Earth's most comfortable place to smoke," McGearty's dresses up cigarettes to look and taste fancier, labels them high-end and allows customers to drink beer, wine or liquor as they puff away.

Predictably, Chicago's fascists didn't much like that, even though McGearty's existence did nada to violate nonsmokers' cardiorights.

"This is just a slimy trick by Big Tobacco to circumvent the system," Annie Tegen, program manager for Americans for Nonsmokers' Rights, told the Post. "An $8 pack of cigarettes still exudes the same toxins as a $4 pack. For the people of Chicago, this is an equal-opportunity killer."

Translation: Me and my brethren are a pack of holier-than-thou do-gooders who used the protect-nonsmokers argument as a smokescreen. We just really want to banish smokers from God's green earth. And if we could tell you what to do in the privacy of your own homes, well, good golly, we'd do that too. (Note to practitioners of sodomy: We're coming for you next.)

Yep, just like that, Annie exposed pro-banners from coast-to-coast as liars and hypocrites. No matter what they say, their issue is not—N-O-T, not—about protecting bartenders from second-hand smoke. Don't believe me? Well, feel free to drop a line explaining what danger Marshall McGearty's presents nonsmokers.

Back in Philadelphia, the locals for nonsmokers' rights types are hiding behind the same ruse. Do it for the bartenders, they chant. Save the people who go out to eat dinner, they bellow. Businesses won't be affected, they maintain. They even call their initiative the "Clean Indoor Air Worker Protection Ordinance," wording that's harder to oppose than "Resolution Honoring Those Who Didn't Club the Baby Seal That Swam Up the Delaware."

Well don't fall for it, City Council. If they get their claws in you now, they'll be back in a couple months like junkies looking for another hit of power. And their demands will have metastasized, like Chicago Annie's. Maybe they'll ask you to force all city businesses to stop selling cigarettes (which should really help the corner markets). Or perhaps it'll be a call to ban city workers from smoking on their private time, since we have to pay for their health insurance (a recruiting boon!). Who knows what they'll come up with next. But vote for their ban, and you'll have nobody to blame but yourself.

So, I'm sitting in a room at the Four Seasons with Joe Montana. (Sorry, but I had to. I'll never be able to say that again.) He was in town last week to talk about his high blood pressure. (Bottom line: Get yours checked regularly, lest you fall prey to easily avoidable ills. Check out www.getbpdown.com for more info.) But this being Philadelphia, I had to ask the greatest quarterback in the history of the game for his thoughts on the most immature wide receiver in the history of the game.

MONTANA : Michael T. Regan

"Boy oh boy, what a disaster," he responded when asked about T.O. "How can someone with so much talent ruin so much?"

Thankfully, answering that question is the Cowboys' problem now.