I had stupid questions, too: Was it like dropping a knife in an economy-size mustard jar—once it goes in, it never comes out? Or worse, like that scene in City Slickers, where Billy Crystal loses his watch while fishing around in a cow's vagina?

Then I met Bill, Philadelphia's unofficial King of Fisting.

A computer guy by day and Web master of the men-only Philadelphia Bondage Club by night, Bill has worked Philly's S&M circuit for nearly a decade. "I do it and I like it but it's not like I've fisted millions or anything," he laughs modestly. "Maybe 20 or 30 customers in the last decade."

Bill is the first to agree that the ol' one-two punch has gotten a bad rap. Done correctly, vaginal or anal fisting (sometimes called handballing) should be slow and tender. Some folks take several stretching sessions over hours, days, weeks or months before they can accommodate a whole fist. Bill says the idea of marathon power fisting, aka punch fucking, is pretty much "the stuff of Hollywood."

But before you roll up your sleeves and dive in, there are a few fisty tricks all players must learn, namely preparation.

The fister must trim his or her nails to the quick and invest in latex gloves and heavy-duty lubricant. Bill recommends J-Lube, "the slipperiest, slickest, most wonderfulest stuff." The top should also set the scene: Lots of paper towels, pillows and beat-driven music. (Carmina Burana anyone?)

The fistee, on the other hand, should cut back on fiber and other toilet-bowl favorites. "You don't eat corn on the cob the night before, you know?" says Bill, adding that shower shots must be started at least six hours before a session.

Once everyone is in position, it helps to massage the area first, entering one finger at a time and making sure the fistee is comfortable—preferably in a sling or reclining with his or her legs in stirrups. Before entering, the fisting hand must be folded into a wedge shape with the thumb bent underneath the palm, sort of like making a shadow puppet of a duck. Pushing too hard can cause immense pain and seriously unsexy injuries like ruptured bowels and bruised cervixes.

The knuckles are the hardest part to squeeze in, but once they slink past the ring of muscles, the hand may be balled up or the fingers twiddled freely. If you plan on introducing toys (anal beads, dildos, traffic cones, etc.), Bill says it's important for the fister to keep a firm grip at all times. I suggest one of those Velcro wrist straps that Cherry Hill mommies use to tether their kids; Bill calls me an amateur.

Like most awesome sex, fisting takes heaps of trust and communication. Eye contact is key. "It creates an unbelievable intimacy, like a floating sensation," he says. "Having my hand in there and just moving it two degrees and seeing them respond, whew, that's one-on-oneness."

After my lesson in the fine art of fisting, I still can't shake the idea that bottoms get the you-know-what end of the stick.

"If it hurt, people wouldn't do it," Bill says. "It's all about fun, like an E-ticket ride at Disney."

Them be fistin' words.

Questions? Comments? This is a fistin' town—are you a fistin' man? E-mail ashlea.halpern@citypaper.net. No phone calls.