But there's a twist. I'm not answering them—my parents are.

Q: I am one who enjoys watersports but haven't got a way to connect with those who would gratify me. I have only had "rental" women and found it mortifying. If you could provide me with some leads, I would appreciate it. --Wet 'N' Wild

Mom: Water play is not my cup of tea, so to speak, but I would suggest checking out www.alt.com. This site is affiliated with Adult Friend Finder, only it focuses on folks with particular kinks. There you will be able to connect with like-minded pee-ple and not feel humiliated.

Pop: You could get a job as a lifeguard at a pool.

Q: I love sex toys. I keep them by my bed and mostly use them when I'm alone, but I'd like to use them with the people I sleep with. Problem is, they get freaked out whenever I try to introduce one of them to our lovemaking. It's like they almost get offended. How do I explain that toys can enhance perfectly fine sex? --Babe in Toyland

Mom: Woohoo! I'm with ya—I love my sex toys too! And yes indeed, I have encountered the same problem. But I don't let my partner deter or intimidate me. Simply put, if my partner does not have the inner confidence to give me the freedom to indulge my fantasies or reach orgasm with a little help from my playthings, then it's off with his head. If the folks you hang with are bothered by a little whirring vibrator or even a jumbo purple-swirl butt plug, look for other buds. Sex should be a shared intimacy wherein both partners are gratified.

Pop: Maybe you could hold off on the toys until you decide sex is worthwhile to begin with. Otherwise it makes somebody feel inferior right away. I would think by the second time it would be far more acceptable to say, "As great as it was, I think we can make it even better." Razors and knives ought to be held up a little longer. Electrical probes, too. And Tasers.

Q: My boyfriend makes really embarrassing noises in bed. Sometimes he'll growl like a tiger, but usually he'll just moan in a really high-pitched girly way. I hate it and it really turns me off. Dirty talk or total silence would be better than his whinnying. How do I tell him to SHUT THE FUCK UP without hurting his feelings? --The Silent Type

Mom: Honestly, I don't think you can tell him to shut the fuck up without hurting his feelings. Men are such pussies and their egos are paper-thin. But I hear what you're saying and it would annoy me too. When he starts the animal yodeling, moo back at him. If he stops and wants to know what the fuck you're doing, just say, "I'm joining in on the farmyard fun!" If he has a lick of sense, he'll put two and two together and knock off the noise-making.

Pop: Give him a kazoo or one of those New Year's Eve noisemakers that uncurls when you blow on it. It lets him still express himself the same without the tonal inflection.

Questions? Comments? Want to win a date with my parents? E-mail ashlea.halpern@citypaper.net. No phone calls.