Fri., March 24, 9 p.m., $15-$30 cover, Pleasure Garden Club, 61st St. and Passyunk Ave., 215-829-4986, www.passional.net

When dining out, do you ever wish you could order a side of welts with your salad? If you answered yes, check out Passional's Cafe Kink, a monthly dinner where bondage is the fetish du jour. Every installment has a holiday theme; naturally, March will be "St. Paddle's Day." Count it!

Last month's event, "St. Valentine's Wrap-Up," was held on Feb. 25 at Chaleo Thai (Fifth and Bainbridge streets). My girlfriend and I sat in a dining room filled with corseted women and fat guys in kneepads. Everyone was in high spirits, including a tuxedoed marimba player strumming it for the crowd. He didn't miss a beat when a gal in a patent leather onesie snatched a dude's pants off and started whacking his ass with a cat-shaped sex paddle. Couples wrapped in a latex sheet sucked face while being prodded with an electro-wand. Boisterous attendees crowded beneath a beatin' harness in the dining room. I nodded, smiled and ate delicious shrimp rolls.

In an evening filled with unconventional behavior, the one constant was the friendly (albeit confused) waitstaff. When I paid my bill, the register guy looked at me and shrugged.

"Yeah … I have no idea what's going on," he admitted.

Me neither, but good times.