I've been thinking about writing. Not just because I do it really well. (Or at least I tackle puns better than the guy who came up with the dumber-than-usual "Left Behind" headline for Brokeback Mountain's loss. — oh, Daily News front-page guy). I've been thinking because even the fake-ity fakiest of the fakey fakes are screwing it up for us originators in faux writing. Stop stooping to girlie fainting spells, Sylvester, if you get caught. (Say Nick's surname like you're Superintendent Chalmer yelling for Principal Skinner. It feels right.) Don't get all mopey, Jim Frey. Do the full-frontal fake thing proud. It's no burden. Love your faux. And buck up. What's this rumor about Electric Factory buying the Troc to outshine the due-summer 15th Street House of Blues? Nothing but "bizarre" is what Troc owner Joanna Pang called it, denying the sale. That's why she's opened the room to all bookers — R5 (Yeah Yeah Yeahs), Live Nation (Built to Spill) and even House of Blues (its old bed partner has Taking Back Sunday, co-produced by EF/Live Nation) — including the Troc's own. "So that we'd never have to sell," says Pang. There's been more leaking boobs in town than just Lil Kim's. When I ran into Alice Cooper — here to promote Nights with Alice radio on WMGK-FM — between Loew's Hotel and Chickie's & Pete's, the mascaraless one ( in the morning, anyway) told me Nights wasn't just about old rock. It was about joshingly pulling old rockers — himself included — down a peg. "I had on Tommy Shaw (Styx) and we argued which song was gayer. His 'Come Sail Away' or my 'Only Women Bleed.' My song's totally hetero. 'Sail' is gayer." WHOWHATWHERE: PGN's Mark Segal looking shaggy indeed buying PlayStation 2 games at Best Buy Columbus Blvd. Reggaeton's best friend in Philly, DJ Rahsaan, brought his buddies in Calle 13 — Puerto Rico's electro-Latin hip-hop/reggaeton chart-toppers — to hang at Puma and Centro Musical ("In el barrio, yet," said Rahsaan of the Fifth and Lehigh stop). And ya'll know that Prince, Tamar and Floetry's Marsha Ambrosius took over 32° for a private after-party following the purple one's Electric Factory bash. But along with there being a secret 32°-ite who picked up the princely tab (drinks, food from Lacroix), apparently the private group's cocktail server was wearing a revealing dress and was asked by Prince to put on a jacket to cover up. Sexymuthafucker, this ain't. Philly's Respect Management got some: Freaky Miami client Rick Ross' "Hustlin" hit Billboard's "Hot Debut" after going from homegrown to Slip-N-Slide/Def Jam. Ross's album, Career Criminal, is due any sec. So Jonathan Hunter is ready to take out the benches and put in velvet curtains, gilded iron and second-floor stages for his takeover of RitRow's Queue. Something divey and decadent is what Hunter wants for his perf-art/live-band boîte; something dark and Poe-like. "But not Goth, not Shampoo Wednesdays." Hunter laughs about that name which he hopes to soon change. Along with Norm Fetter dropping his improvisational Niagara Falls' debut, Zwei, on his Honeymoon label weeks ago, Fetter snuck out an eponymous CD from The Molecules, guitarist Eric Carbonara's ensemble of psychedelic-istes, recorded during the '90s in State College, Pa. "There may be a reunion in the future," says Fetter, "a reunion of a band that never existed." Norm — you're freaking me the fuck out. Robert Hazard is recording his first Philly record in a decade at Blue Bell's MM3 Studio with producer Skip Drinkwater. And you can find them both March 11 at Steel City in Phoenixville. Ask how the escalator of life slows. So Ali Waks — along with starting her own sex toy company ("'Kitty's Secret,' and we're looking for product testers") — has a gig as the new event chairwoman for the Young Friends of the Red Cross Philly and is helping bring to life the Red Ball with Sister Sledge March 18 at the Constitution Center. So she'll have the Starr Restaurant Group, ¡Pasin!, Georges and pastry man Robert Bennett doing food and chocolate fountains, cigars from Lars Tetens, and a Ketel One ice luge, "because who doesn't love an ice luge?" ... Sweet soulful ol' Bill Ricchini — living in Bella Vista, freelance copywriting for Avenue A/Razorfish — welcomes himself home with a March 9 show at The Fire. What's Padlock Gallery's "A $3.00 Love Affair" all about? It's about 1409 Ellsworth having a show, April 1, and you're the artist. Just submit photo booth strips to Padlock by March 20 to that address, 19146. "Use the photo booth in unprecedented ways," says www.padlockgallery.com/photobooth. In related mini-art news, Philly's ICA wants your tiniest movies, your shortest cinemas for its Open Video Call. Got some? Get 'em done on DVD by March 15's first-come screening. Hit www.icaphila.org/events for more. And what 'bout that starting-March 30 Philadelphia Film Festival? TLA's Richie Wolff didn't tell me anything during his Queue-tossed b-day party. OK, he mentioned opening night at Top of the Tower and trolleys heading toward Bookbinder's for the closer. But now we hear the annual fest will host Susan Sarandon as its top-billed schtar. "Other than Sarandon, it's really all about the films," says festival press honcho Andy Preis. "There are a lot of films, 14, that are making only their second screening after premiering at Sundance, which makes Ray [Murray] feel pretty good." ... And happy birthday to who, Sugartown, Sara Sherr's grrrl-spun partyball? Well, I'll be. Send cake March 9 to Tritone. Lastly, now that Neil Stein is inmate No. 58991-066 at the Federal Correctional Institution at Schuylkill for the next seven months (one of my friends who's been there says "they'll make him a kitchen boss or something") I want to know: How is it he goes to jail while the jag-off at Kildare's (Dave Magrogan) who's partnering with Pat Croce for a rum restaurant next to his dopey Key West Pirate Soul Museum, roams free? Justice. She is fleeting.