Councilman-at-Large Jim Kenney last week gave a resolution to the Pittsburgh Steelers. A resolution is a flowery declaration of praise, an official City Council how's-yr-father. And the recipient gets a fancy-pants copy in a fancy-ass folder. C'mon Jim, we're dying over here. We've been watching the news and so far nobody's tagged big Jim's office with the word "traitor." Which is kind of disappointing. There are moral absolutes—dogs and cats don't sleep together; green-and-silver and black-and-gold don't mix—that need to be upheld.

Top Five Slippery-Slope Sleeping-With-The-Enemy Scenarios:

1. James Brady sends bronzed Winchester and bottle of aged single malt to Dick "Birdshot" Cheney.
2. Athos I tosses magnetic kissy bears to rusty anchor. The card says: "Hope we bump into each other again!"
3. Allen Iverson and Bobby Abreu throw surprise party for Howard Eskin at Burger King, just because.
4. Ray Nagin invites Michael Brown and Tom Benson to sit in his luxury box at Superdome reopening.
5. Ed Rendell sends Lynn Swann some framed stills from that Mr. Roger's Neighborhood episode where the leotard-clad wide receiver did ballet. "These were my only copies," says Rendell. "Just thought he'd like to have 'em."