225 Church St., 215-925-8219
This tucked-away bar prides itself on grime, and its patrons ain't complaining. Aside from the strangely alluring '80s porn slathering the walls, booze-fueled bards have penned some of the most inspirational phraseology this side of Kelly Writer's House. Words to Live By: In addition to the classic "so-and-so is a whore" offerings in the ladies' room, there are also thoughts on fashion ("Red turtlenecks suck!") and alternative faith ("pigshit angels are fucking hot").

259 S. 15th St., 215-735-1259
This pit stop's stall is the go-to place for all your gross graffiti needs. The scrawl in the men's room spans all mediums, from marker to Wite-Out to old-fashioned ballpoint, and follows a protest-while-you-piss agenda against Bush and friends. Words to Live By: The girls' room has a drawing of Jesus accompanied by the caption, "God raped my mom."

56 S. Second St., 215-238-5888
The drinks are cheap. The restroom clean-up budget is cheaper. The one working urinal is all metal, military-latrine style; the other has a black trash bag taped over it. Words to Live By: Josh Mills' number is written on the ceiling. Who the hell is Josh Mills? We called to find out. He's a member of the Port Richmond-based band Mountain High and says this vintage trick is part of an ongoing prank war. For booking info, take a crap and look up.

224 S. 15th St., 215-985-9600
This loo's been hit by dozens of overzealous bombers, all eager to Sharpie-scribble on the B-movie blood-red walls. Bonus: They've got a to-the-floor urinal a la elementary school. Target size is everything when you're drunk, people. Words to Live By: "Robots have metal hearts." So do men, honey. So do men.

530 South St., 215-238-9880
The graffiti here is mostly relegated to the door and towel dispenser, and yet in comparison to Sugar Mom's, TM's petri-dish lavatory looks like one of those sterile vacuum-sealed testing areas where they build computer chips. Words to Live By: "I like to get drunk and sleep with people's girlfriends" is scrawled at the bottom of the bathroom door. Beware the ides of dudes …