About five or six shots of SoCo into a recent Friday night at the bar, the conversation took a marked turn for the absurd. Not quite sure how it got this far, but before long, some strange words left my mouth:

"You know, I really would make a good mayor."

The delusions quickly leapt from semi-grand into the realm of grandeur, thanks to instant polling results from Fairmount that projected the 2007 race at Hickey, 6; Undecided, 2; and everybody else, nada. (OK, maybe someone said they'd vote Milton, but I reckon they were lyin'.)

It meant little that, after another short glass, all six pro-Hickey voters started angling for high-paying administration gigs. The way I saw it, they weren't exposing themselves as fair-weather supporters; they're simply well-learned students of Philly politics.

So after the seventh or eighth shot, the smoky corner-bar air smelled like victory.

The eighth or ninth brought bold declarations of a mandate.

The wife, she thought the whole thing was absolutely ridiculous. I think she figured I'd forget all about it by morning. Well, wrong she was. "Seriously," I said around noon, "why shouldn't I be mayor? I passed the Mensa test, dammit. So Fumo, the slick uncle of local politics, ain't got shit on me, unless millions of dollars and ongoing investigations count."

Pleas for common sense to prevail were soon made.

For one, you don't have money to advertise. (Au contraire, said the MAC receipt reading 37 dollars and 91 cents. And the "Everybody Loves a Hickey" hats and T-shirts, they'd sell themselves!)

Or political experience. ("That'd work to my advantage. The people want change. They want their city back. Attica!")

Got an army of shifty ward leaders tucked in your back pocket? How are you gonna win if they're not willing to manufacture absentee votes or distribute phony sample ballots that steer people to pull your lever — whether they've heard of you or not? ("I got friends with a bunch of spare time," I grunted.)

What issues are you going to run on, again? ("Free Jaeger for everybody!" came part one of the play-to-the-lush-populace retort. "And we need to do better by our children.")

What do you know about education, about running a school system? ("I'm working on it. Give me some time to do a little research. Jeez.")

Finally, the big guns came to mind: Aren't you a registered Republican? (Yo, keep that to yourself. I'll be able to talk my way around the misdemeanor-sprinkled rap sheet — "The cops put that Milwaukee's Best in my underaged hand. Yep. Both times" — but if that gets leaked, I'm done for.)

Right around then, reality should have set in.

Being broke, low on connections, uncertain about the issues and somewhat to the right is no way to live a political life in Philly, son.

So why, then, is this article from the Jan. 12 Daily News still sitting on my desk? Headlined "City GOP still trawling for mayoral hopeful," it begins, "Wanted: A conservative Philadelphian with a background in business or politics. Must have rich friends. Good hair a plus."

Well, I'm kinda conservative. I voted Kerry. Both the death penalty and abortion fall into my "Pro" column while hippies and anything beyond civil unions land squarely in the "Con" one.

I live in Philadelphia.

Might not have much of a business or political background — unless writing about those fields means something — but I know a couple people that make mad bank.

And my hair? It's pretty damn good when I decide to take a brush to it, if I don't say so myself.

Follicular prowess aside, here's my best qualification for the gig: I'm not above making a kamikaze mission. Which is exactly what running as a Republican for mayor next year would mean in this fair city. Even Sam Katz knows it; he told the paper, "It's not like being the Republican candidate for mayor is a great opportunity."

It's hard to argue that Katz's truths aren't self-evident. Philadelphia is so blinded by political affiliation that the only mayoral election worth watching would pit the winner of the Democratic primary against a Democrat who called himself a Republican to skate through to the finals.

Well, good people, enough's enough. I ain't about kissing your babies, getting off the couch to raise funds or trying to convince you that my politics are spot on — which you probably won't buy, even though they are.

But there's something to be said for declaring one's intentions first, an election "shotgun" clause, if you will. As such, here's my promise to you, the voters of Philadelphia:

If you e-mail me your thoughts on what my mayoral race opponents must do to get your vote, I'll compile the suggestions and formally present each of them with the Philly Blunt People's Platform once they jump into the race. From there, I'll print their responses for all the public to see.

Dougherty. Evans. Fattah. Knox. Saidel. All challengers are welcome.

But if they want a mandate of their own, they're coming through us before they get it. The SoCo, of course, is on them.

(hickey@citypaper.net)