When you're at the top, it's hard to stay there. No one knows this better than Ben Franklin. In his heyday, the man made innumerable contributions to American life. Unfortunately, time's been a bitch for the Renaissance man, and he's struggled to find work. Most recently, Ben's ghost has been working at the PECO Energy Liberty Center, shuckin' and jivin' to amuse curious passers-by. That's right, the guy who brought us the Treaty of Paris now works in a tiny booth, answering questions submitted via touchpad by weird European tourists.

City Paper recently sat down with Ben's ghost to get his opinions on various events being held in his honor. While he was able to maintain coherency for much of the interview, his thoughts started to wander toward the end. Bear with him. Dude's like 300 years old.

Thu., Jan. 19, 6-8 p.m., $25-$27, McGillin's Olde Ale House, 1310 Drury St., 215-735-5562

The Daily News columnist will host this evening dedicated to Franklin, an avid beer aficionado. Two locally made brews (Yards' Poor Richard's Tavern Spruce and Iron Hill Brewery's Poor Richard's Ale) crafted exclusively for the tercentenary will be available. Considering that Franklin also has a reputation as a philanderer, don't be surprised if the founding father consistently blames one-night stands on "beer bifocals."

Ben says: "I wish there were a beer named after me. They gave one to Sam Adams. He dumped tea into the harbor. I signed the Declaration of Independence. I should have a beer."

Every Sat. through April, 29, 10:30 a.m., $12-$19, Independence Visitor Center, 1 N. Independence Mall West, 800-537-7676

Many children dream of eating syrup-soaked waffles with the man who toppled the Stamp Act. Now they can: Visitors will be treated to a buffet and a meet-and-greet session with Franklin. There will be games, crafts and presentations. Every kid in attendance receives a souvenir gift bag that includes a fully operable glass armonica. Just kidding, but that would be hot.

Ben says: "I don't recall inventing any food, but I did introduce some of your favorite vegetables to America. Things like kale, Chinese rhubarb and, of course, turnips!"

Daily through Aug. 31, free with museum admission, Adventure Aquarium, 1 Aquarium Dr., Camden, N.J., 866-451-AQUA

OK, so Benny's plump physique doesn't exactly scream Speedo. But you may be surprised to learn that he invented the first swim paddles and flippers. This program will explore the evolution of water equipment from the 1800s to today. Aquarium patrons will get the chance to try on replicas of old-fashioned apparatuses. Oh, and good luck with getting that disturbing Franklin-in-a-tankini image out of your head.

Ben says: "There were so many inventions. … I did enjoy the glass armonica, and the lightning rod was useful as well. But the Franklin Stove was definitely my hottest idea."

Runs through Jan. 31, Haverford College's Magill Library, Sharpless Gallery, 370 Lancaster Ave., 610-896-1161

Remember the episode when Phoebe gives Monica a loan to help her catering business, Rachel struggles to complete an entire crossword puzzle on her own and Ben starts dating a hot paleontologist who turns out to be a complete slob? Such a good one. Oh wait … not those friends. While this exhibit lacks information on Franklin's classic Must-See-TV role, it explores his relationship with prominent Quaker figures through the display of original manuscripts, books and artifacts.

Ben says: "I guess I am friends with myself?"

Runs through April 7, 6-8 p.m., free, Free Quaker Meeting House, Fifth and Arch sts., 215-629-5801 ext. 204

This First Friday family event aims to re-create Ben's favorite party activities. There'll be refreshments, colonial entertainment, games and storytelling. You can also learn how to dance the minuet, a stuffy French social jig that was popular in Franklin's younger years. (Please check your rhythm at the door.)

Ben says: "I love my children … but I'm not sure about that."

Sat., Feb. 11, 11 a.m., free, Barnes & Noble, 1805 Walnut St., 215-665-9958

Hey kids, gather 'round! It's time to hear the endearingly perky NBC10 meteorologist with the X-Men name talk about Franklin's experience studying science and weather. Parents: Make sure your tykes stay quiet while Amy's talking, lest they be solidified in a block of ice by Amy's icicle-vision superpower. And people think she got the job because of her rapport with the camera.

Ben says: "Ah, the gout! Painful, painful, painful pain in the joints! Pain I can barely stand! I'm not sure what caused it, but it was certainly a problem."