You know the line. Public Enemy: "Elvis/ was a hero to most/ But he never meant shit to me, you see/ straight-up racist that sucker was, simple and plain/ Motherfuck him and John Wayne."

Well, fuck Public Enemy. Fuck Chuck D. Fuck Professor Griff. And definitely fuck ol' Flava Flav—that VH1 teat-sucking, celebutante hanger-on. And fuck his big fucking clock, too.

Though I endorse the sentiment of "Fight the Power" where motherfucking John Wayne's concerned, Elvis Presley was a hero to me and mine.

His potential for blue-suede sainthood may have been tarnished by his end-of-days persona—a fat Vegas-y take on Engelbert Humperdinck who croaked straining on the commode—and his million-and-one impersonators, but Presley will always stand as testament to rock 'n' roll's leather-clad potency. Even as a grimy hillbilly gone Hollywood, Presley was the man who humped the rockabilly haunch of "Little Sister," the guy who sashayed lasciviously through "Jailhouse Rock," the country boy who sang "(There's) No Room to Rhumba in a Sports Car" and turned the Memphis recording sessions of 1969 into a latter-day miracle of rock, sweat and soul.

Well, it's Elvis' birthday on Sun., Jan. 8, and I'm already thinking about what I'm gonna do to celebrate.

If you've got kids in tow, you're gonna rock-a-hula boogie on ice for Skate with Elvis, an afternoon at the ice rink with Philly's country-cousin radio station (WXTU 92.5 FM) and a skating Presley at center ice. It ain't Brian Boitano. And that's a good thing.

If you're not the kid-toting type, you'll head to Tin Angel for its Elvis' Birthday Bash, spearheaded by David Wannop and geared toward the serious Presley aficionado. Amongst the locals scheduled to lip twitch and hip swivel are Sun Records enthusiast Dave Stone in his Man-in-Black guise, blues chanteuse Deb Callahan with Gary Lee and Allen James, Rockpile-esque howler Nik Everett, sexy sirens Mia Johnson and Steph Hayes and Brazilian Elvis acolyte

João MacDowell. And while Glenside is home to all things sideburned, the Blue Comet will surely feature Presley during its usual Live Sunday Rockabilly soiree.

But how to prepare for all these diverse forms of Presley revelry?

Head to Tower or Spaceboy and put your order in for Elvis' #1 Singles Box Set, featuring 20 individual single CDs commemorating the 50th anniversary of "Heartbreak Hotel." Each disc mimics the original 45's packaging. You can drop less coin on Wanda Jackson's I Remember Elvis tribute album, whose "Blue Moon of Kentucky" and "Baby, Let's Play House" show a love that only a pal of Presley's (which she was) could reveal.

Or you can spend some money to look so very rocking. Want a quiff you can hold high with just a sploosh of NuNile? Twist hair salon (526 Bainbridge St., 215-922-3060) can dude you up right in pompadour preeniness. And if not, scissor queen Amy DiCamillo will just make you look like Nick Cave. Crash Bang Boom (528 S. Fourth St., 215-928-1123) is ideal for high-collared dress shirts that'll give you that "Rubberneckin'" chic appeal. And for black jeans that are both cock-revealing tight and kitschy cool in their flared cuffs and waist-high buttons, it's a shopping spree at Very Bad Horse (606 N. Second St., 215-627-6989).

Oh, that king.

Skate with Elvis, Sun., Jan. 8, 12:30-2:30 p.m., Blue Cross RiverRink at Penn's Landing, Columbus Blvd. and Market St., 215-925-RINK; Elvis' Birthday Bash, Sun., Jan. 8, 7 p.m., $10, Tin Angel, 20 S. Second St., 215-928-0770; Live Sunday Rockabilly, Sun., Jan. 8, 6 p.m., free, The Blue Comet Bar and Grill, 106 S. Easton Rd., Glenside, 215-572-9780.