About two years ago, Fiona (last name withheld) was out of work, so she did what any between-jobber would do—respond to a phone sex ad in City Paper. What started as a what-the-hell moment turned into a lucrative cash cow; she was recently invited to an adult industry job fair at Passional to speak about the experience. "It was much better than working in the Gallery or at Starbucks," she says. "I didn't have to clean anything up." Yeah, you didn't.

While she now works an office job, she valued the phone-sex stint both professionally and sensually. Sometimes billed as "Lady Fiona," the fiery temptress will lead a phone-sex class at Passional on Dec. 16 (book early, horndogs) where she'll teach students how to liberate their telibidos. "I hope [couples] come to it because they want to get the tools to be more comfortable," she says. "It's about being able to seduce using just your voice. Not everyone's a natural-born storyteller [or] knows they can be creative and get into people's heads." If you're one of these people, remember that establishing good vibes is job one. "You want to be able to tell how excited the other person is without breaking the mood," says Fiona.

After a quick lesson, I decided to put the good Lady's advice to the test in a series of lurid phone calls to my girlfriend (let's call her "Michelle"). The first time, she was sitting at my house watching Nickelodeon's GUTS while I drove to Wawa. Man, sometimes the mood just sets itself.

Me: (breathily) Hello.

Michelle: Diet Coke and peanut chews. I knew you would forget.

Me: What are you wearing?

Michelle: The same thing I've been wearing all day. What do you mean?

Me: Diet Coke and peanut chews. You got it.

Upon my editor's suggestion, I later went outside my house and called my landline, hoping to run some smooth game.

My Roommate Lou: Hello?

Me: Lou, is Michelle there?

Lou: She's upstairs. Dude, are you outside? I can hear you talking.

Me: No. Yes.

The next day, I tried to catch Michelle off-guard while she shopped for Christmas presents.

Me: (breathily) Would you like to hear my fantasy? My… sexual fantasy?

Michelle:: I'm in Nordstrom Rack right now.

Me: What's Nordstrom Rack? I mean, what are you wearing?

Michelle: Is this for that phone-sex article?

It was becoming clear that I was not a natural-born storyteller. I decided to make my fourth and final attempt to have phone sex with Michelle from my part-time job at school. A bunch of my co-workers were around, so I had to be coy.

Me: (breathily) I was just thinking about you… in bed. Because, you know, you're tired.

Michelle: Aren't you at work?

Me: I'd like to work… you?

Michelle: I don't know if I told you this earlier, but we have to get cat litter. They're pooping next to the box instead of inside it.

Me: I'm going to go now.

"Talk Dirty to Me: Phone Sex for Fun with Lady Fiona" workshop, Fri., Dec. 16, 7-9 p.m., $35-$60, Passional, 704 S. Fifth St., 215-829-4986.