Photos by Michael T. Regan

Every year, right about now, a new wave of stories makes the rounds about how more and more Americans are spending more and more of their holiday shopping budgets online.

E-commerce is becoming safer! analysts cry. Everyone is doing it, you should do it, too! the subtext screams. And we'll admit, the interweb has its uses (how else will my mom find me the right Dead C album?).

But purchasing gifts beneath a pale blue monitor glow can be so sterile. n My little sister and I have a tradition where, in addition to whatever gifts we exchange, we make a point of finding each other the most bizarre, sidelong, wtf!? kind of knickknack/trinket things. The tiny wax mariachi man. The weird ceramic snake box (with pop-out tail). The miniature owl canopic jar. Things you need to venture out into the world to find.

They're gifts that say: You're weird (and so am I). n And for the most part, you always find better, weirder stuff when you leave your house. With this in mind, we sent our army of tastemakers out into actual stores with orders to find gifts that not only spoke to them, but that told them specific things.

We've got gifts that say to your parents: "Sorry for being such a twit all those years."

To your fashion-backward friends: "You shouldn't be dressing yourself."

To the lustful: "Take me now!"

We've got gifts saying all kinds of wild stuff. (Including one that says: "I totally got fired the other day and haven't told you yet." Crazy gift.)

Plus we've got gift-guide regulars like DVD sets, video games and gadgets. And that's to say nothing of Lori Hill's gifts that say, "Turn off the damn TV and read something, will ya?" aka the Holiday Book Quarterly. So shop online if you must, but know there's a world of dope swag out there they'll actually let you touch before you buy.

Special thanks go out to the gift guide photo shoot team of Jessica Weber (stylist), Michael T. Regan (shutter monkey), Meredith Lindemon (ad hoc production assistant) and Ashlea Halpern (our suck-it-in-till-it-hurts-and-then-suck-it-in-some-more cover model). Big ups to senior designer Reseca Glasser, who made Quarky sense of this monstrosity. And a shout out to all the stores that generously loaned us the merch.