Ah, another Monday. Hope I can make it to work on time. Thank God it's just a bus ride. Why look, here's a SEPTA driver now. But wait. He's holding a picket sign. And a…

Whoah buddy, relax. Is that a gun?

Hey! Stop! You don't have to press that thing to my head. I get it. You want $2.

Oof! Christ that hurt. You're not supposed to belt someone in the stomach when they're not ready. All I wanted to do was…

What's that? Your beef is with the guy in the suit over there? Umm, can I ask what the deal is?

Let me get this straight. Dude in the suit wants you to pay $3 to $12 per week toward your health care? I don't get it. I work my butt off, and I don't have any coverag…

Ow! What was that for? Didn't you just hear me say I don't have a health plan? Police! Somebody, help!

Oh, thank God you walked over here, mister. See this driver with the gun to my head? He has a problem with you. So if you'll excuse me, I need to go hitchhike to work…

OUCH! Mother of -- I'm asking you for help, and you go nailing me in the mouth. What's your problem, anyway?

What's that? You're mad at this guy because he's asking for more money? And that' s not possible because you guys have mismanaged SEPTA into a rat's nest of ineptitude?

[Dizzy from blow to the back of the head with a gun butt.]

What… who… hey, I didn't say that you didn't deserve sick days or dental plans…

Mommy…

[Curls up in fetal position.]

National Geographic Traveler can label us the greatest city in the entire known universe, but until greedy bastards -- I'm looking at both sides of the bargaining table -- stop holding our citizens hostage, we're a city that's deeply screwed. Punishing the people you're supposed to be serving is stupid and suicidal.

If riders don't abandon SEPTA altogether after this, I say we dismantle it. Can't be any worse than the abuse we're taking now.

Coincidentally, our theme for this year's monster-sized CP Choice Awards is the carnivale. This was not meant to reflect this circus of a city in the throes of a transit strike. Pinky swear. "All the city is a freak show, and we're but freaks of one stripe or another," explains Choice ringmaster Brian "B.H." Howard. "This issue is us saying, 'Congrats! You're the freakiest of the freaks! The strangest of the strange! The awesomest of the awesome!'"

I just hope some of the winners are within walking distance.