Shopping & Style

Our passion for fashion has led us up the posh avenues and down the dark alleys of our fair city. Tirelessly, we hunt for things to own, things to wear, things we'd never wear but want to own anyway. Records, tchotchkes, pants, bracelets, onesies -- perhaps an old copy of Vogue to steer us by. And our craving for savings is matched only by our taste for the absurd. And soap. We eat soap now.

Tastiest soap
When Philadelphia Soap Company closed, we panicked. Things got scary for a while -- let's not dwell on the mail-order horror -- but then Duross & Langel opened next door to the old shop. Local soapmaker Chuck Kalick's pretty, aromatic bars compete for shelf space with other styling products, but with the return of longtime favorites like pear, oatmeal and coconut lime -- plus seasonal scents (candy corn now, eggnog soon) -- you'll wanna lather up and lick yourself clean. 1218 Locust St., 215-735-7075
--MJF

Cutest Pet Mascot in an Old City Boutique
As if her thrifty-chic outfits weren't edgy enough, local artist Linda Smyth has found herself the perfect accessory: a 2-year-old chihuahua-dachshund mix named Leelou. The Texas-bred darling can be found at Vagabond every weekend, keeping Smyth company while she crochets behind the register, napping next to bored boyfriends on the store's velvet sofa or darting in between pairs of slouchy vintage boots. An honorable mention goes to Kodiac, a 9-year-old Siberian Husky and Vagabond's other pet-in-residence, but Leelou steals the Cute Award as star model for Princess Woo-Woo, Smyth's doggy sweater line. 37 N. Third St., 267-671-0737
--AH

Best Hardware Store for the Nascent Do-it-Yourselfer
My transactions at Lee´s Hardware go something like this: I enter, wander for a bit and eventually ask an associate for a tool in as vague terms as possible, e.g., "Uh, one of those, um, key things for taking apart an IKEA bed?" Wordlessly, he moves to some obscure corner of the tiny store and emerges with the item I "requested." I'll be ready for a fixer-upper in no time (when the bubble bursts, that is). 266 S. 20th St., 215-732-1244
--MP

Best Place to Buy Pop Furniture and Hair Care Products
Matthew Izzo has a nice eye for what's cute. Seriously, those Italian Mandarina Duck bags for girls and boys, he has 'em. Heatherette life-size Barbie clothes, got it. The new-look Nudie jeans that put the "ow" in cowboy, natch. But by teaming/teeming his three shops with an overstock beyond clothing -- think hair, skin and furnishing products -- Izzo's created a mini-mall. From Delano lounge chairs and Magino acrylic mag racks to Sharps men's stuffs and women's Red Flower Hammam oils and creams, he combs the modern world (and your hair, what with all those Malin + Goetz shampoos and conditioners) so you don't have to. 928 Pine St., 215-922-2570, www.matthewizzo.com
--ADA

Best Reason Not to Send Flowers
If you've used the old "but they'll just be dead in a few days anyway" excuse, you're screwed. Collingdale basket master Fruits in Bloom have busted your last lame reason for not sending something to your S.O.'s office on those special occasions. Sure, their stunning fruit "bouquets" will disappear even faster than a dozen roses, but at least there's some nutritional value involved. P.S.: Don't forget to order the fudge dipping sauce on the side. 640 Mac Dade Blvd., Collingdale, 610-583-9500, www.fruitsinbloom.com

--MB

And a Onesie, and a Twosie: Start 'em snarky, start 'em young at Open House.

Snarkiest Onesies
A proud DINK (double income, no kids) must occasionally purchase wee bits of cloth, known in the baby biz as "onesies," for the ever expanding legions of breeders in her acquaintance. The smug black onesies declaring "Mmmm… boobies" and "Help Wanted" found at Open House speak to the snarky DINK hordes. Heck, the awwww-reflex of even the smuggest of nonprocreators is touched when plopping down the AmEx on a teeny raglike garment reading "nobody puts baby in a corner." 107 S. 13th St., 215-922-1415
--CV

Most Convenient New Digs
In the record store relocation competition, AKA Music scores points for the shortest move, but Spaceboy -- now three blocks away from its former home -- wins for consolidating everything on one floor. Everything is within sight, which means no more trudging upstairs to pick through the used CDs. Good news for slack motherfuckers. 704 South St., 215-925-3032
--MJF

Most Irksome Store Slogan
How do we hate Steven Singer? Let us count the ways. We hate him because no matter how many times we drive past the "I Hate Steven Singer!" graffiti tag on his storefront window, we still wonder, "Gee, you'd think the guy would've wiped that shit off by now." We hate him because he thinks wives should exchange sex for diamond tennis bracelets. We hate him because the slogan is of his own devising, not a hate crime committed by a deranged competitor who got stiffed on a sapphire shipment. But most of all, we hate him because his little reverse psychology ad campaign works. Way to go, asshole. 739 Walnut St., 215-627-3242
--AH

Best Boys Pants
I'm sorry. But I'm a sucka for Tony Sparacino's pants. Whoa. Hey now. I mean the pants the retail king of the B3 area sells. Don't get me wrong. He's cute. But I get lost in the pants that Sparacino Men´s sells. Definitely there's that whole Ben Sherman thing -- the low-slung Brit gear done in slim cottons and dropped-waist jeans. (Sparacino has evvvvvrything Ben.) But he also carries Sculpture -- a poly/cotton line whose slender look cuts like a knife, therefore forming my perfect nonsuit look for any Franz Ferdinand/Rapture/DFA bash. 115 S. 13th St., 215-922-4211, www.sparacinomens.com
--ADA

Best Reason to Forgo Padded Bras Forever
Long before fake tits came into vogue, ladies looking to pump up the volume wore pointy-nosed bras and used falsies to fill in the gaps. The result was vampy, erotic and looked stunning underneath a tight little sweater. The collection of Bettie Page bullet bras, vintage girdles and full-fashioned stockings at Damaged Goods Pin-Up Emporium celebrates a bygone era when women with hourglass shapes were actually considered -- gasp! -- attractive. And owner Kiki Berlin doesn't just sell the pinup look -- she wears it. As chief tat-twirler in the Hellcat Burlesque troupe, she knows the era well and is more than happy to help you jiggle your unmentionables until you find the perfect fit. Think you can't rock the nips-out-to-there Jayne Mansfield look? Berlin also sells ladies' nylon gloves, garters, teddies, platform shoes and old-school stag mags. Heart be still. 615 S. Sixth St., basement of Antiquarian's Delight, 215-952-0256
--AH

Best Bracelets
Feeling naked without jewelry ornamenting your wrists? Elaine Tse, owner of Tselaine in Old City, has got the solution for your obsession. With colorful gemstones like peridot, aquamarine, quartz and black diamonds, Tse uses imaginative designs to create the best bracelets in the city. In business for five years, she sells many of her goods during private cocktail parties. With collections called bubblegum and cilantro, you'll find a beautiful bauble to satisfy your whim. 36 N. Third St., Unit 2F, 215-923-1810, www.tselaine.com
--HIH

Best Way to Celebrate Bathing as a Luxury Rather Than a Duty
Rich and creamy, with a pantheon of natural aromas, Terralyn Soaps in the Reading Terminal are definitely not for Puritans. Lynette Manteau uses the best essential oils (not those nasty, sneeze-inducing fragrance oils so many soapers use) and the finest vegetable oils. Bonus: The soaps and other toiletries are much less expensive than other high quality lines. 12th and Arch sts., 267-408-3548
--MA

Widest Selection of Vintage T-Shirts Picked Over by Anorexic Store Employees With Bedhead
It's hard being fashionable when the vultures beat you to it. Retrospect, the street-hip brainchild of Goodwill Industries, has a knack for hiring within the flock. Unfortunately, it's like putting a bunch of junkie orderlies in charge of the narcotics fridge -- the good shit never reaches the patients. These Philebrity Posterboys and -girls troll the aisles and filch all the best stuff, leaving nothing but pilled-up grandma sweaters and size-XXXL Florida Marlins T-shirts in their Wrangler-sporting wake. Half the time, the cowpoke duds and Lacoste Polos don't even make it that far; if it doesn't fit X employee, he calls friends Y and Z to let them in on the deal. Bastards. 534 South St., 267-671-0116
--AH

Best Ever Tchotchke Shop
Hoop skirts, board games, lamps with off-kilter shades, brightly colored bric-a-brac, oddball ephemera from political campaigns and World Wars. Funhouse Antiques and Collectibles is the new people's screwball department store. And its caretakers -- along with principal proprietor Lee Wilson -- are back from the haute punk days, the bad-old '70s/'80s of Love Club, Artemis, Funk Dungeon and Art Lot. And like they did backinnaday, fashion-forward stuff-sluts, shabby chic-ers and artisans like Kathy Wilson, Susie Koroly and Lynn Wilson (all currently ad and design professionals) have raided the planet as if they were scouring their closets for the high art of low culture. Want prison paintings, Sarreguimines Pottery and "Stairway to Heaven" commemorative prom glassware? Check the Funhouse co-op. 720 S. Fifth St., 215-238-8873
--ADA

Neatest Recycling Trick
Everything at the Powelton Village boutique Re-source is worthy of notice. They sell products -- clothing, handbags, jewelry, artworks -- using only reconfigured, reused and re-energized materials, all by local artists. Make a beeline, though, for Kelly Werkheiser´s necklaces made from vintage stamps. She adorns U.S. and foreign postage stamps (bearing images of flowers, athletes, historical figures) with beads and stones, covers them in a little plastic sheath and tucks tiny cutout messages inside. Signed, sealed, delivered with love. 3620 Lancaster Ave., 267-265-5493
--LH

Best Place to Find Inspiration for Your Next Hairstyle
Sandwiched between art and economics, the fashion and beauty section at Old City's Book Trader is a gold mine for Stellas-in-training. Scout for Vogue back issues loaded with kitschy advertisements and old cosmetology textbooks with instructions on everything from proper home wig care to perfecting that punched-in-the-eyes mod look. The selection is hit or miss (Bobbi Brown makeup tips from 1997? No thanks.) and the store stinks like a dirty cat farm but, hey, beauty is pain. 7 N. Second St., 215-925-0511
--AH

Bad Meaning Good: Kim Montenegro´s Very Bad Jeans are quite the opposite.

Best Jeans
Ladies, the slutty rock 'n' roll standard of denim exists right on North Second Street courtesy of the big-in-Japan Kim Montenegro and her Very Bad Jeans. Lithe boys can fit into these too, but it's a girlsgirlsgirlsgirls world that can slip into her brand-new Hybrid Bondage and Neo Commando belted gear as well as the old reliables like her laced-front rocker jeans and those dargone Flame Chaps -- the one with the bolts of fire licking up from the cuffs. 606 N. Second St., 215-627-6989, www.verybadhorse.com
--ADA

Biggest loss for nerds
Toy paradise Quakerhead on South Street had something for virtually every kind of nerd: Superhero action figures for comic book dorks; Muppet Show figurines for pop-culture obsessives; Bleeding Edge dolls (yep) for goth freaks. And the anime, my God, the anime! Sadly, they've moved on, opening a new home base in Springfield, perhaps to better serve the disaffected teens in the 'burbs. Truly a noble task, that. www.quakerhead.com
--MP

Best Proof Cheek Implants Are Not for You
Oh, to be the frosted lipstick and size-13 stilettos of a cross-dressing superstar. Here at City Paper, we love drag queens. And we know the only way to find Philly at its most sashayingest is at its longest-running drag show: Thursday nights at Bob & Barbara´s Lounge. We love the clip-on wigs and the lacquered butt makeup and the fact that in the queens' rhinestone-studded universe, Cher and Celine reign supreme. But for every Miss Lisa Thompson, there are at least three cats who either flunked out of charm school (shave the chest hair, honey) or went so overboard with the plastic surgery, their pecs have gone globular and their cheeks all chipmunk-y. Dude looks like a lady looking too much like a dude, and it ain't very pretty. 1509 South St., 215-545-4511
--AH