During an Aug. 1 press conference, President George W. Bush was asked about teaching "intelligent design" in public schools. "I said that, first of all, that decision should be left to local school districts, but I felt like both sides ought to be properly taught … so people can understand what the debate is about."

Meanwhile, in a classroom somewhere in Pennsylvania…

Teacher: Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Ms. Scopes and I'll be your science teacher this year. Most of you signed up for Biology 101 at the end of last year, but there's been a change in the curriculum. I've passed out a class outline and I'd like to go over it now. Instead of an entire year of biology, the first term will cover Creation Science. Your text will be the book of Genesis. The school can provide you with a photocopy of the text, but I would strongly suggest you get a complete Bible because you will also need the book of Leviticus for your health and abstinence class next term.

Student: Can we just bring a Bible from home? I have a little green one my dad got at the Motel 6.

Teacher: No Gideon Bibles. You must have the King James version. Unfortunately, the school can not provide you all with Bibles due to constitutional issues. If you can't get a Bible, you must see me as soon as possible to make other arrangements.

Now, let's review our class outline. We won't be starting our biology unit until April. The Biology section of the class will be much briefer than last year because we won't be covering evolution or human reproduction. Reproduction will be a take-home unit only and will not be discussed in class. Are there any questions? Yes.

Luke: Why aren't we studying evolution?

Teacher: Because evolution is only a theory. Creation Science is a science. You can tell because it has the word science right in it. Why don't we get started. … As you all know, Genesis is the story of creation by an intelligent designer. Jacob, would you like to start reading?

Jacob: In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. The earth was without form and void, and the darkness was upon the face of the deep; and the Spirit of God was moving over the face of the waters and God said, "Let there be light"; and there was light. And God saw that the light was good; and God separated the light from the darkness. God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. And there was evening and there was morning, one day.

Teacher: Very nice, Jacob. Now, what happened on the first day?

Jacob: God created night and day.

Teacher: Very good, but…

Mary: How could there be day and night on the first day if God…

Teacher: We don't say the G word. Nobody said God created the world. God is just a made-up name for the intelligent designer.

Mary: OK, the designer, whatever. How can you have day and night if the sun and moon didn't get created until day three?

Teacher: Now, don't read ahead. We're only on day one.

Thomas: Was the water all salt water or fresh water? How can you water plants with salt water?

Teacher: That's a chemistry question. This is Creation Science.

Albert: I thought we had night and day because of the sun.

Teacher: The designer created night and day.

Albert: So if there was no sun we would still have daylight? I don't get it.

(There is a major disruption in the back of the class.)

Ceasar: Adam "knew" his wife and she got pregnant. Hey Jezebel, don't I "know" you?

Jezebel: Shut up! It says guys are made of dirt, that's why they're dirtbags.

Ceasar: Well, you're made of my bone! Girls are boners.

(All the boys collapse in laughter.)

Teacher: Quiet back there!

(The class is clearly out of control.)

Joseph: Hey look, Shadrack saw his dad naked! Dude, this is way better than biology!

Anne Harvey is a water quality scientist who lives in Queen Village. If you would like to respond to this Slant or submit one of your own (750 words), e-mail duane@citypaper.net.