WILD THINGS

The first thing that comes to mind when thinking of ferrets is Kindergarten Cop (or maybe BeastMaster, if you had a bad childhood). Remember the climactic final scene when the ferret totally attacks the bad guy and saves Arnold's ass? Sorry to disappoint, but such valor is uncharacteristic of most ferrets. In reality, they're cute and fuzzy love varmints that make great domestic pals.

Diane Bodofsky, director of Last Chance Ferret Rescue in Southampton, is used to setting straight many a ferret misconception. She says people underestimate the sheer brainpower the creatures possess. "They're incredibly intelligent for the size brain they have," says Bodofsky. Another stereotype: Ferrets stink wicked bad. While the animals possess a distinctive natural musk, Bodofsky says many ferrets reek because they're bathed too often, an excuse that every 8-year-old boy wishes his mom would buy.

Along with a crew of ferret-lovin' volunteers, Bodofsky has organized wildly successful Philadelphia Pherret Phestivals for the past two years. Since Last Chance is a private nonprofit dedicated to the rescue and rehabilitation of ferrets, it relies heavily on donations to defer costs. The Phest is an excellent fundraiser for the shelter, and the third installment (PPP3!) is set for Saturday in Fairless Hills. Last year there were more than 300 entries in the Phestival's numerous competitive brackets, which include judging for standards like color and pattern. Many Phestival participants also deck out their pets in hopes of winning the coveted Best Dressed prize. Past costumes have included a can of beer, a Scottish highlander and an ensemble Bodofsky describes as "Buffy the Catpire Slayer." Whoa. Of course, the festival also offers a shiny trophy to whichever carpet shark is awarded Best in Show.

Since the Phest brings together some of the area's most passionate ferret fans, Bodofsky admits the competition "can get kind of intense." To ease the tension, there are fun activities like tube races, car races and a contest that involves putting mittens on the ferrets as quickly as possible. Escape games are also popular — the animals are stuffed in a bag or a basket and the first one to prevail over the fetters of ferret imprisonment wins. While this sounds a little mean, it's not: The little Houdinis are partial to busting out of stuff. They're also kleptomaniacs. Ferrets love to root through purses, so remind your grandmother to clutch her pocketbook tight when she attends.

Ask any of the PPP faithful and they'll tell you that owning a ferret can be exhausting. "It's like having a puppy, a kitten and a toddler all rolled into one and given a shot of espresso," says Bodofsky. Take that, Ahhhnold.

Third Annual Philadelphia Pherret Phestival, Sat., Oct. 15, 9 a.m.-5 p.m., $2-$5 to attend, $12-$15 per ferret entry, Westaby Hall, 425 Hood Blvd., Fairless Hills, 215-357-3699.