Welcome to school, backpackers and asscrackers. How I envy you, sharpening those pencils, oiling those inkwells. Yes, these are the double entendres of a more innocent time, I know. But making sex chatter out of IM or BlackBerry abbreviation is too cold even for Icepack. To you — incoming freshpeople, old heads — I say, send me your tales of love, drugs and hate. Send me celeb sightings. ("Isn't that the bald dude from American Splendor near the bell tower? Rad!") Keep reading this space, and this space only. Avoid all imitators. I am your best friend. You are getting sleepy … sleeeeepy. ... Rich Wexler's a man with a dream, despite his femmie "Large Marge" nom de whoohaa. Wexler's Sherman Community Arts thing has been knee-deep, all summer, producing Up the Stairs and Through the Hall, a two-CD compilation of musky West Philly musos Todd Young, David First of Notekillers, Like Moving Insects, The Doctor and Philip, Tiananmen Squared, The Teeth, The Snow Fairies 'n' more. "It's a form of macrobiotic music," says Wexler of its indigenous ingenuity. Now that it's finished, he needs you fuckers to buy it. So he's hawking it during a free, Wexler Week of Show with Stairs' shiniest schtaars: Sept. 8 at Jamaican Jerk Hut, Sept. 10 at The Marvelous and Fiume, Sept. 11 at Green Line Café and Sept. 12 at Bar Noir. Spend a tenner on the CD though. … With the exception of Buddakan, where he lunched, and the Rocky steps he trod, Eugene Levy never gets to see Philly. Not when he was here touring for A Mighty Wind. Not while promo-ing his new flick, The Man, with Sam Jackson — a rarity for the usually mum Levy. Why chat now? "After I looked at the script — and of course, I looked at it — I found it was a great two-hander," says the thick-browed Levy between bites of Rice Krispies Treats at Four Seasons. "Co-starring roles are odd for me. I don't get them." When meatier roles come along, he doesn't want a rapper (as was first intended) as his co-star. Along with loving Man's opportunity to build a character arc from beginning to end (as he does throughout co-scripted flicks, like Wind, with Christopher Guest), Levy wants truth. "Play the situation. Don't step outside the story to get the laugh. Don't force it." These are comedy rules, people! From the guy known for on-screen parenting of a pie-fucker. … What's got a giant lion fountain, a velvet Victorian parlour, lotsa stained glass and tons of naked-ry? OK, other than my office? That'd be the jez-opened Pleasure Garden, the Madam X-managed prive-membership couples club only I (OK, and a dozen other horny duos) know the location of. Mwahaha. … CAPA kids — there's hope: Proudly skank-o-licious ballet dancer-turned-porn star Savanna Samson is starring in the slurpy New Devil in Miss Jones. She'll sign autographs at The Mood on South Street Sept. 10. Ask her when she went from triple runs to triple hole-filling. … Share my passion for fashion? Watch me bark to the beat for the Rittenhouse Row Fall Gathering show/happy hour at Marathon Commerce Square Sept. 8. I'll be yelling at models from Echochic, Wayne Edwards and more. Arf. … Michael Nutter — for once we salute you: In stopping Pat Croce from going after City Line Avenue's Adam's Mark for a slot machine parlor, you've spared us from the potential horror of one-armed bandits with Croce's meth-skeleton mug screeching out positive platitudes at every pull. Thanks, Mike. … Didjou get a copy of Handcrafted Vol. 2 -- DJ Statik's ancient-to-future mash-Afrobeat-bossa-hop fing featuring Mushmouf, Bahamadia and Hezekiah — at Illvibe at Aqualounge? No. Buy it cheapo: www.illvibe.net. … And send money to Vice for granting Dave P. and Adam Sparkles their cream dream: to remix "This Modern Love" for buds' Bloc Party's new Silent Alarm redux. … Now, even your kid can dig a remix: Parents Heather Murphy (she of Baby Disco at Fluid first Sundays with DJ K-Tell) and Adam Hurwitz (Ropeadope brand overlord currently hooking his label, Blue Note, University of Pennsylvania's graduate music program and World Café Live with the What Is Jazz concert series starting Sept. 21) join forces for a series of national kid disco events that'll culminate in an actual birth: a Baby Loves Disco CD. Along with other BLD products and a first BLD party happening in the second borough of Philly at Brooklyn's Southpaw, the CD stars good dads King Britt and DJ Logic. Wah. … Gluttons for punishment John Turner, Joseph Rafter and John Williams — owners of Liberties restaubar — took over U.S. Hotel Bar & Grill in Manayunk. Godspeed. … Share their love: The Seclusiasis/Slit Jockey duo — DJs Dev79, Starkey — have been downright filfy all year. So kiss 'em stupid when they celebrate one year of their grimy Get IN night with Laptop Battle-star Jack Horner at Silk City Sept. 8. And promise Stephen Starr that even though you crowd his triple-tier Mid-town that you'll never ever forget his Old City Continental, despite that it's so filled with Jersey squareheads. The Continental, the start of the real OC --damn, Philly's whole tony-turnaround, for better and worse — turns 10 this week. Go drink a martini.