Loving the new Christian Dior saddle bag but don't have $1,190 to spare? You're in luck. Why? Because you don't live in France. Purchasing or carrying a designer knockoff east of the English Channel can earn you up to three years in the slammer. Fortunately for us Americans, fakes are still hawked openly and with little regard for the Global Congress on Combating Counterfeiting memo saying that buying mock Prada funds terrorism. But as with all things seedy and sinister, my little penny-pinchers, there are rules one must follow:

1. Buy locally only when you don't know what you want.
While designer knockoffs have literally gone underground at Canal Street, Philadelphia vendors see no shame in dressing window displays with their finest fakes. Some of the dollar bodegas in the Italian Market sell imitation goods, but South and Chestnut streets offer the best selection, shilling everything from Gucci to Hermés at 10 percent of the original price. This is fantastic if you don't have a particular luxury item in mind — simply browse, point and purchase — but if you're set on a specific style or design, you're better off hunting online. Auction sites such as eBay are overrun with fakes and do little in the way of self-policing, instead relying on user feedback to report evildoers. You're there, of course, looking to score a bargain. Bid on.

2. Do your research.
Never seen a blinged-out, hubcap-sized Cartier medallion in Jesus' image before? That's because Cartier doesn't make one. Look, if you're going to go phony, make sure the product actually exists first. Check official Web sites such as www.givenchy.com and www.katespade.com before springing for any ol' logo-emblazoned product.

3. Always check spelling.
Nothing screams knockoff like Dolce & Gabbana spelled with one "b". When shopping for fakes, be on the lookout for dead giveaways, including chintzy hardware, puckery or faux leather, messy stitching, extra buckles or zippers and interior tags that read, "Made in Taiwan." Quality assurance used to be a low priority on the designer-imposter black market, but nowadays, most counterfeiters have faking it down to a science. The knockoffs are virtual mirror images of the originals, and it's up to you to figure out which is which.

4. Don't brag about your bargains.
So you finally scored a dead-on imitation — even the salespeople at Bloomie's can't tell the difference — and you go around telling everyone about it? Shut up already. It's a great feeling to know you've beaten the system ("Take that, you rich motherfuckers!"), but one best kept a secret. The only thing worse than a braggart is a miserly braggart.

5. Know when "it" is out.
When every fake tan at Glam is accompanied by silicone tits and a Murakami purse, isn't it time to rethink the exclusivity of widely imitated and mass-produced "it" items? What's so hot about Hermés sunglasses when every teenager in the neighborhood (and her mother) owns a pair? At least if you jumped the bandwagon, you did it the rip-off way.