It's common barfly knowledge that if you don't specify what brand of liquor you want in your drink, you'll get the worst shit on the shelf. Of course the more you blend the less it matters. But what about at home, in the company of a special lady or while entertaining friends at a Labor Day barbecue? Why not forgo the box of blush in favor of low-end liquor with a little more class? You get what you pay for, folks, but there are a handful of barrel-scrapers worth the hangover.

Brandy
Burns So Good: Jacquin's Apricot Flavored Brandy, 750ml, $9.99. Looks Like: Your grandmother's needlepoint. Amber in color and featuring an antiquated label design, it's got the old-world air of musty books, fur stoles and Tiffany lamps. Tastes Like: Apricots baking in the sun — for 55 years. Surprisingly sweet and tingly. Mix Pick: Brandy is best served straight and at room temperature, but this flavor blends well with seltzer or Sprite. What You Think It Says About You: Part weathered sailor, part noir detective. What It Really Says About You: You could've bought Banker's and you went with the fruity stuff? Pussy.

Gin
Burns So Good: Crystal Palace Dry Gin, 750ml, $5.99. Looks Like: Every plastic bottle on every kitchen table at every frat party in America. Tastes Like: Dirt doused in gasoline and set on fire. Mix Pick: You'd be a masochist to drink this garbage straight. Opt for a Tom Collins instead, heavy on the sugar. What You Think It Says About You: Sophisticated, worldly and mysterious. What It Really Says About You: You cut corners like an Old City bartender. Waspy cheapskate.

Rum
Burns So Good: Cabana Boy Pineapple Coconut Rum, 750ml, $8.99. Looks Like: MTV Spring Break's version of a Chippendales calendar. The bottle features a greased-up Abercrombie beefcake in board shorts. Tastes Like: Sand. Suntan lotion. Semen. Mix Pick: Any frozen juice concentrate will temper that South Padre zing, but we recommend your basic grape drink from the corner Rite Aid. What You Think It Says About You: Very Carrie Bradshaw. What It Really Says About You: You tuck paper umbrellas behind your ear and probably majored in public relations. Whore.

Tequila
Burns So Good: Pepe Lopez Tequila, 750ml, $11.99. Looks Like: A Jose Cuervo knockoff imported and bottled in Louisville. Tastes Like: It was imported and bottled in Louisville. Mix Pick: Palatable when masked by fruit punch. What You Think It Says About You: You're a free-spirited Acapulco backpacker type who knows the worm is nothing but a marketing ploy. What It Really Says About You: If you drink it with salt and lime, you're a tourist. If you swig it from the bottle behind the boarded-up Doc Johnson's, you should run for City Council.

Vodka
Burns So Good: Vladimir Vodka, 1.75L, $11.09. Looks Like: Vampire erotica from any Poppy Z. Brite novel. Sporting the mug of Vladimir Tepes, it's the preferred choice for black-clad youth and gravediggers everywhere. Tastes Like: Nail polish remover cut with a combustible solvent; a real fucking scorcher. Mix Pick: Run it through a Brita filter three times, then spike a 3-liter bottle of Coke. What You Think It Says About You: Budget-conscious evildoer, clearly hip to the goth-and-fetish underworld. What It Really Says About You: You're a bored suburban teenager with an impressive collection of chain wallets and kohl eye pencils. Where's the funeral?

Whiskey
Burns So Good: Inver House Very Rare Scotch Whiskey, 750ml, $9.49. Looks Like: A bottle of English Leather. Tastes Like: Rotten fish drizzled in chocolate sauce and hung in a smokehouse for two weeks. Mix Pick: Can't go wrong with a Scotch sour. Shake 1 1/2 oz. Scotch with 1/2 teaspoon powdered sugar, the juice of half a lime and ice. What You Think It Says About You: Tough as nails and sharp as a tack. What It Really Says About You: If you're under 55, you're an aspiring pretentious fuck who thinks people enjoy hearing you proselytize. If you're over 55, you probably eat concertina for breakfast. Badass.

"It'll make your jimmy thicker and get your woman in the mood quicker.
--Ice Cube on St. Ides malt liquor