August 4-10, 2005

the bell curve

The Bell Curve

City Paper's weekly gauge of Philly's Quality of Life

Last remaining Strawbridge's department stores will be sold and turned into Macy's or Boscov's. Inventory to be cleared with special half-off pants sale in the men's room.
Minus 4

Critics of the ethics board say it is beholden to the mayor. "They're just jealous," says one ethics board member, hanging from the rafters in the City Hall basement. "But our offer still stands for them to drink the blood and join us."
Minus 3

Managers of Headhouse Shambles say they may discontinue the annual summer arts and crafts fair. Now where the fuck are we gonna get our fucking umbrella holders with, like, flowers and shit glued to the sides?
Even

SEPTA installs 16 digital recording cameras at Cecil B. Moore subway stop, the first of 22 "smart stations." Crime will still be taped in grainy black and white at remaining "stupid stations."
Plus 2

Donald Trump contemplates building a slots parlor in Nicetown. And you thought the name was ironic now…
Minus 1

Tasty Baking opens a store run by high school students in Northeast Philly. Finally, childhood obesity has a headquarters.
Plus 1

To make up for its origins as a slave-owning institution, Wachovia announces plan to donate $10 million to African-American organizations. "Actually," says bank official, "we're planning on buying the organizations, moving them to our building and putting them to work for us."
Plus 1

Pennsylvania lawmakers vote to give themselves a raise, then use controversial "unvouchered expense" method to get the money right away. "If anyone needs me," says Sen. Fumo, "I'll be at the Tastykake store, bitch!"
Minus 8

Total pluses: 4
Total minuses: 16
This week's total: -12
Last week's total: 1