July 28-August 3, 2005

movie shorts

New Movie Shorts

League Of Ordinary Gentlemen
It's odd to feel sorry for the loss of dignity in a sport you never thought had any, but Christopher Browne's documentary pulls it off. Following four professional bowlers, including reigning champion Walter Ray Williams and Pete Weber, the son of bowling legend Dick Weber, League spans the Professional Bowling Association's acquisition by three former Microsoft execs and the installation of Nike marketing head Phil Miller as CEO. A self-proclaimed "bull in a china shop," Miller wastes no time bringing the PBA into the extreme sports era, coaching players on showmanship and advising them "to be as much of yourself as you can possibly be." Williams, who's also a champion horseshoe pitcher, prefers to let his ball do the talking, but Weber jumps at the chance to emerge from his father's shadow, re-christening himself "Petey W," the bad boy of bowling, and stealing the double-handed "crotch chop" from Stone Cold Steve Austin. Not surprisingly, the strategy raises ratings; soon fans are aping Weber's moves and parroting Miller-spawned slogans like "Only one can win." Although League implicitly frowns on the PBA's makeover (Weber especially comes off as a desperate camera-hound), it's worth noting that the movie depends on the same strategy the PBA has used to revive itself — namely giving a face to the men behind the ball. --Sam Adams (Ritz East)

Must Love Dogs
Gary David Goldberg emerges from the small-screen world for the first time since 1989's Dad, apparently intent on producing a sitcom Fantasia. Goldberg chucks in every timeworn gimmick in TV history, from precocious kids to wisecracking horndog pals, wacky aunts to matchmaking siblings, reliable gay friends to cute pets (or is that reliable pets and cute gay friends? They serve much the same purpose). The resulting stew smells as phony as John Cusack's faux-aged Ramones T-shirt. Lost without three cameras and a studio audience, the director lurches clumsily from shot to shot, doggedly following his copy of Sleepless in Seattle for Dummies. Goldberg aims for honorary Nora Ephrondom, building Diane Lane's divorcee character on 30-year-old Cosmo headlines and playing the sensitive guy while demeaning every advance women have made in the last, oh, 200 years. But misunderstanding women fits his larger pattern of living outside the real world, setting Must Love Dogs in a blissful city where characters live in dream homes while refusing to sully their eccentric hobbies for anything as base as a salary; and where the only movie theater in town is a restored palace screening Giant and Dr. Zhivago. Then again, that may be the only place where everyone hasn't seen this dreck many times before. --Shaun Brady (AMC Orleans; Bala; Ritz 16; UA Grant; UA Riverview)

Rittenhouse Square
Beware the descriptor "love letter," which all but guarantees a toothless tourist brochure. Robert Downey Sr.'s year-in-the-life chronicle of the titular quadrangle isn't pledge-drive junk, but it pumps water, not blood. Since Downey is nearing 70, his focus is on the park's older habitués, like bowlered bon vivant Stanley Green, is understandable, as are a few of the film's many, many girl-watching montages. Less forgivable are the facile juxtapositions — swanky fundraiser one moment, homeless painter the next — and the amount of time lavished on Neil Stein. --S.A.(Roxy)

Sky High
High school sucks, especially when the bullies toss you from wall to wall or throw fireballs. This is the first harsh lesson Will (Michael Angarano) learns on his first day at the school for superpowered kids, before his own powers, um, drop. Before he finds his way, he's a disappointment to his parents — Commander Stronghold (Kurt Russell) and Josie Jetstream (Kelly Preston) — who divide their time between selling suburban real estate and defeating monster robots. Intimidating Coach Boomer (Bruce Campbell) assigns Will to the sidekick class at school, meaning the boy must then confess his lack of powers to dad — in the kitchen, shy about his fellow sidekicks hanging their heads in the living room. This cartoony coming-out soon gives way to a cartoony straightening-out, as Will gains his powers after all, falls for the school's class president (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) and almost misses the gentle appeal and undying loyalty of girl-next-door Layla (Danielle Panabaker). Less interesting is the super-villainish plot leading to Will's discovery of the true value of friendship and sidekicks, and the movie's slide into banality. --Cindy Fuchs (AMC Orleans; UA Grant; UA Riverview)

Stealth
Buckaroo Bonzai fans hoping writer W.D. Richter has worked his subversive magic on this militaristic tale of a sentient super-plane gone awry will feel their hearts sink when the name of XXX director Rob Cohen flashes on the screen. In the story of man versus machine, Cohen lights his actors like shiny new cars (Jessica Biel looks particularly bionic) and gives his ultimate weapon just enough self-awareness to crank up the rap-rock when he goes in for the kill. (The plane's moniker, incidentally, is EDI, for Extreme Deep Invader, although it doesn't run on D batteries and massage sore muscles.) Efficient but brainless, Stealth's contrived story pits a trio of Navy fliers (Biel, Josh Lucas and Jamie Foxx) against Arab terrorists, breakaway Soviets and North Koreans, associatively fusing dark-skinned bad guys without alleging any real connection — you know, like the Bushies did with Iraq. The movie isn't principled enough to have an agenda, but its opportunistic parroting serves the same function. --S.A.(AMC Orleans; Bridge; UA Cheltenham; UA Grant; UA Main St.; UA Riverview; UA 69th St.)