Behind the "8" Ball

Yeah, you were in that robot movie: Fisher Stevens and Naomi Watts backstage at Live 8.
Photo By: A.D. Amorosi

All the dirt you didn't see on your screen.

by A.D. Amorosi

After the lineup hating and the erroneous reports of Pitts and Nicholsons (does no one read the Star other than me?), all that was left of Live 8 was the music, man. For you, anyway. I was backstage: in press tents and VIP areas, trying to stay wack-caffeinated and sponsor-friendly, sucking down as much carb-free Liquid Ice and Coke Zero as I could. Let's go straight to the highlights.

Historic Meeting No. 1: Dave Matthews and Jay-Z
From his cool T-shirt (not a Rocawear, but rather one with Nelson Mandella on it), to his buoyant set with Linkin Park, to the day's most eloquent onstage statement ("We're spending billions of dollars to kill people. Let's spend billions of dollars to let people live"), Jay-Z showed why he gets to fuck the woman in the trailer next to his in the palm-tree-lined VIPavillion. Suddenly, without warning, there was Dave Matthews, stuffing his face with sushi, talking to Jay-Z.

Imaginary conversation:
DM: So, I once made out with someone in En Vogue.
JZ: No. I'm busy with Linkin Park. But I hear MC Serch ain't doin' nuthin' right now.

Def Jammed
Forgiving African debt seems simple in comparison to forgiving Def Leppard their set. DL were the whipping boys of Live 8 — made fun of because of the lame Badfinger cover, treated to awkward press questions from kids just born when Live Aid occurred 20 years ago.

"Why didn't we do Live Aid?" said Joe Elliot. "Well, Rick here got into a car accident. "

Historic Meeting No. 2: Paula Abdul and Anna Nicole Smith
Abdul, wearing a fringey skirt, cheerfully bopping around the Nokia tent and graciously signing whatever was placed in front of her, was the first "celebrity" I encountered. ("She's drunk off of her ass," says one backstage restaurateur). Yet it wasn't until Abdul met up with Smith, wearing second-skin denim and a pinkish top with boobs-a-popping (and pasties? Did I see correctly?) in the VIPavillion, that Abdul started to fawn giddily, a progression that found her writhing stage-side while Stevie Wonder jammed. Smith, in the meantime, was a burnt-sienna big-head. Her stick figure countenance seemed no match for her breast-es-es.

Imagined conversation?
Um, how about indecipherable white noise?

Boo
Sure, Smith was frightening. But she wasn't the only one. A chunky Stevie Wonder's sky-blue muumuu, Alicia Keys' scary blue-and-red-denim roller derby outfit and Maria Bello's gi-guuunnn-do man's feet were horrific. Seeing Natalie Portman in the VIPavillion was like staring into the eyes of Squeaky Fromme. Jennifer Connelly was, like Smith, praying mantis-esque in her reedy appearance. Yet minus Smith's protuberances, all there was of Connelly was, well, nothing. Oddly, she was the least in demand of any "celeb." ("Anything? Anybody?") Yes, and that includes Chris Tucker, who wore the same white suit he did the night before at the mayor's office.

Strangest Sighting
Along with Alicia Keys' management warding off fans preshow ("she's in her zone," we heard), Josh Groban clinging to a tin of cookies and Linkin Park and Black Eyed Peas at one big table, seeing and talking to Naomi Watts and pal Fisher Stevens — that was oddest. Not because Watts wasn't great, talking to me about the humidity, but because Stevens (Short Circuit 2) thanked me for recognizing him. Hey, if I could recognize Kaiser Chiefs

At a Time of Giving, the Best Boasts

"I have so many resources." --Russell Simmons

"I've been to 10 different countries, recently. I've been all over the world." --Chris Tucker

Al Sharpton Rocking in the Free World
Al Sharpton — dressed in what looked like traditional Banana Republic gear — came to rock.

Me: What is Live 8 to you?
Al: It's not just about getting the world's attention. It's about what you're going to do with the world's attention once you have it.

Me: Yes. But who are you excited to see?
Al: After seeing Bon Jovi, it's hard to get excited. Everything else after this will either be equal or downhill. Hopefully equal. The only thing that excites me is if the G8 comes out with the real affirmative statement of how to deal with world poverty — especially in Africa.

Historic Meeting No. 3: Def Leppard and Bon Jovi
Before I could ponder Sharpton's rabid Bon Jovi fandom, I realized that Jon Bon Jovi, Richie Sambora, Tico Torres and uber-publicist Ken Sunshine were behind Sharpton. Suddenly, without warning, the members of Bon Jovi were confronted by Def Leppard. What would go down between the '80s hair bands? Were any of these guys packing the giant-sized purple Aqua Net spray cans? Though they hugged and I heard Leppard's Rick Savage saying something about how Tico "was the maaaaan" and Sambora uttering, "Of course you can make the music matter," to no one in particular, I was forced to imagine other dialogue:

DL: Did Blackie Lawless ever give you that five spot you loaned him?
BJ: Of course, I fucked Tawny Kitaen. David Coverdale, too.

Actors Are Not Funny People
I didn't think he would talk in that so-high voice he used in The Fifth Element. But, the suddenly serious Chris Tucker made a case for lightening the fuck up when he started talking about bringing the Declaration of Independence from Los Angeles (an original copy held by Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger) as if he'd had to fight off Hessians to get it here. "You have to have no soul to see orphans without clean water and do nothing about it," said Tucker, who once appeared in the utterly soulless House Party 3.

Who else was stricken with the deathly serious bug? Don Cheadle topped his talk about Nelson Mandella with the admission that his role in Hotel Rwanda (and not Ocean's 12?!) was the catalyst for his Live 8 action. Djimon Hounsou was probably really serious, though I couldn't understand a word he said. Natalie Portman chatted micro-financing. Still, the only people duller were reporters asking cause-centric questions to dummies like the deer-in-headlights Linkin Park: "What would Mandella think if he were here?" COME ON NOW! What happened to "who are you wearing?" What would Joan Rivers think? Wanna know what Mandella would think? "There's Mitchell & Ness track-suit stuff in the swag bags. Where's mine?"

Stupidst Things Overheard

"I'm in a situation where I can get away with a lot of the shit. But I'm not really into politics. I can't tell you anything John Kerry wants. I can't quote George Bush. I only know that these people are dying." --Kanye West