June 30-July 6, 2005

cover story

??-1600
Native Americans lead a relatively peaceful life in the Delaware Valley. Cue ominous music.
Plus 5

Oct. 24, 1682
William Penn lands in New Castle, Del. "Uh," he wonders aloud. "Is there anything up north?"
Plus 5

Oct. 25, 1701
A charter is granted to the City of Philadelphia. At the press conference, somebody throws a snowball at it.
Plus 10

Dec., 22, 1719
Andrew Bradford creates The American Weekly Mercury, Philly's first newspaper. The next day, a frenzied parchment full of pitches arrives from A.D. Amorosi.
Plus 10

July 1, 1731
Philadelphia Library is founded. Mayor Jan Strass immediately shuts it down.
Plus 10

April 15, 1745
Philadelphia's first theatrical performance takes place in a storehouse on Water Street. It is roundly panned by Toby Zinman.
Plus 5

1775
Continental Congress elects Benjamin Franklin the first postmaster general of the United Colonies and establishes a pony express. West Philly immediately protests the use of ponies, makes large puppets.
Plus 10

July 4, 1776
The Declaration of Independence is adopted and read to the people on July 8. It is read again more slowly on the 9th and 10th. Eventually it is reduced to bullet points and printed in Ye Olde Metro.
Plus 10

Sept. 26, 1777
The British army enters Philadelphia. Tourism peaks.
Minus 10

1836
Philadelphia Gas Works is established. Old Man Knudsen, the evilest man in town, leads a posse through the streets to ensure the bills are paid.
Even

1844
Riots destroy much of Kensington. It was never rebuilt.
Minus 2

July 1, 1856
Wharf at Reed Street collapses, drowning 10. New laws and regulations passed to ensure such a tragedy can never happen again.
Minus 3

1865
The city suffers recurring epidemics of smallpox, cholera, typhus, typhoid, scarlet fever, yellow fever and influenza. The Mütter Museum stocks up on jars.
Minus 10

Jan. 28, 1865
Delaware freezes over; people walk across to New Jersey. When the river melts, Camden is founded.
Plus 1

April 22, 1865
After his assassination, President Lincoln's body is escorted to Independence Hall by a military and civic procession. Somebody throws a snowball at it.
Even

1876
Exactly 9,910,966 people visit the Centennial Exhibition. Ye Olde PW tells them to "goe the fucke home."
Plus 8

April 1883
Phillies begin inaugural season. First E-A-G-L-E-S chant reported three innings later.
Minus 4

1907
Market Street Subway is built. Fare is a halfpenny; Ye Olde SEPTA offers no change.
Plus 5

1926
The Delaware River Bridge (aka the Benjamin Franklin) is completed. Camden evacuated.
Plus 5

March 1928
The Philadelphia Museum of Art opens on the Parkway. Somebody throws a snowball at it.
Plus 10

1950s
People and industry migrate to the suburbs. Philadelphia magazine is founded.
Minus 8

1960
Eagles win championship.
Plus 9

1974,1975
Flyers win the Cup twice.
Plus 10

1980
Phillies win World Series.
Plus 10

1983
Sixers win NBA title.
Plus 10

May 13, 1985
Philly breaks ground on Liberty One, its first skyscraper, thus dissolving the gentleman's agreement that no building would be taller than William Penn's hat atop City Hall. "Hope you fuckers like minor league hockey," says Penn's ghost.
Minus 10

Also May 13, 1985
At the order of Mayor Wilson Goode, a police helicopter firebombs the West Philly home of the MOVE anti-government group. Snowballs powerless to stop it.
Minus 10

2005
Live8. Disaster TBA.
Even

Total Pluses: 133
Total Minuses: 57
Historical Total: 76

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