June 9-15, 2005

cover story

Ultimate Summer Fun: August

Photo By: Michael T. Regan

MONDAY, AUG. 1
Make people happy. It's 96 degrees at 9 a.m., and you're sitting in your air-conditioned office. You're complaining " why? Look out the window, buddy. Construction workers look like they just emerged from the sauna at some bizarre testosterone spa, and traffic cops are sinking into the blacktop like the La Brea Tar Pits. Instead of bitching about the heat, grab a couple dozen bottles of icy-cold water, then walk around town on your lunch hour handing them out to sweaty strangers — for free. —MB

TUESDAY, AUG. 2
Become a neighborhood hero. First, you need a fireplug wrench. (Try your cousin's husband's Uncle Sallie from South Philly.) Put on your bathing suit and sneakers, swim goggles, a swim cap (preferably one with big, floppy flowers) and a cape made from a shower curtain. Go to a neighborhood with lots of kids and see how many hydrants you can turn on before you get caught. If you want to temper the subversiveness, stick to hydrants already fitted with sprinklers. —MB

Those who only know the Kirk Douglas movie (or, ahem, only the Seinfeld references) are sure to be impressed by the Bolshoi Ballet and Orchestra's rendition of the story of Spartacus, Roman slave turned rebel. Two hundred and fifty dancers will fill the Mann stage today (and Aug. 3), bringing to life epic battles and intimate romances. 8 p.m., $45-$125, Mann Center for the Performing Arts, 52nd St. and Parkside Ave., 215-893-1999, www.manncenter.org. —LH

Illustration By: Jeffrey Bouchard WEDNESDAY, AUG. 3 The Mötter Museum's medical anomalies are so last year. We challenge you to ditch work and plan a weird road trip to some of Pennsylvania's more unusual sites. Start at Mister Ed's Elephant Museum in Orrtanna, a pachyderm paradise complete with an elephant hair dryer and potty chair. Next up: the Easton Museum of Pez Dispensers, where more than 1,500 of the candy towers are displayed against themed backdrops such as castles, haunted houses and a flower-power VW. Another option: Roadside America in Shartlesville is a 6,000 square-foot miniature rendition of a Norman Rockwell-esque small town. End your eccentric forays on a local note with a tour of the cockroach kitchen at the Insectarium or a glimpse of Sally Struthers' 6-inch platforms at the shoe museum in Temple University's School of Podiatric Medicine. --AH

THURSDAY, AUG. 4
Boardwalk rides are fun. Amusement parks are funner. And earth's tallest, fastest roller coaster? Got to be the funnest of all. If Kingda Ka does anything — at 456-feet tall, it shoots riders from 0 to 128 mph in 3.5 seconds — it makes Rolling Thunder and Lightning Loops look like kiddie fare. Which, now, they are. Make sure you go midweek, though, so you have a chance to get through the line more than once. Six Flags Great Adventure, Jackson, N.J., 732-928-1821, www.sixflags.com. —H

FRIDAY, AUG. 5
Most contraband ends up in West Philly, so it makes sense that when Stranger Theatre sneaks its puppets down from Toronto, they'll make their way to The Rotunda. That's where they're putting on The Counterfeit Marquise, a musical puppet show "about a boy raised as a girl in 17th-century France." Presented by Puppet Uprising, of course. Also Aug. 6, times TBA, The Rotunda, 4014 Walnut St., 215-573-3234, www.foundationarts.org. —PR

SATURDAY, AUG. 6
You know "Mr. Roboto" was your favorite song back in grade school. And "The Best of Times" still gets you choked up. See former frontman Dennis DeYoung as he continues to try to live down that whole Kilroy Was Here debacle. The show, part of Bethlehem's 10-day Musikfest, is sold out, but how badass would you feel scalping a ticket to see the guy from Styx? 8 p.m., $39-$49, Lehigh University Zoellner Arts Center, 420 E. Packer Ave., Bethlehem, www.musikfest.org. —BH

The Anger Management Tour is an excellent opportunity to get spit on by 50 Cent and Eminem. 7:30 p.m., $55.50-$80.50, Tweeter Center, Mickle Blvd. and Riverside Dr., Camden, N.J., 215-336-2000, www.ticketmaster.com. —PR

SUNDAY, AUG. 7
Enjoy sweet, sweet AC at the Philadelphia Museum of Art. Oh, and see some drawings while you're at it in "From Poussin to Cézanne: French Drawings from the Prat Collection." On tap: frilly, flowery love scenes courtesy of Watteau and Fragonard; revolutionary drama from Ingres and Delacroix; and a little something they call impressionism from Manet, Degas and Cézanne. Through Sept. 25, Philadelphia Museum of Art, 26th St. and The Parkway, 215-763-8100, www.philamuseum.org. —LH

MONDAY, AUG. 8
It's been observed that many international college students have enough money to not only study in the land of milk and honey, but also furnish their apartments while they're at it. Lucky for you, they can't take it all home once their leases are up. With the Penn summer second session ending on Aug. 5, start to scavenge for curbside treasures from the departing foreigners on Penn's campus. Hell, fleece the natives too. —GM

TUESDAY, AUG. 9
Admit it: You own the Jonathan Livingston Seagull soundtrack. And you know Neil Diamond is playing the Wachovia Center this weekend, right? Congratulations: You're so uncool, you're officially uncool. What better way to celebrate your inner loser than to dedicate an entire day to your guiltiest pleasures? Slip into your Members Only jacket, down a few dozen White Castle burgers and cue up the Beta player for a Patrick Swayze or Jim Varney marathon. Better yet, relax on the sofa for a few Saved by the Bell, America's Funniest Home Videos, or Real World reruns. Curl up with Valley of the Dolls, pop on an Anne Murray CD or invite your buddies over for a rousing game of Dungeons & Dragons. Go on: You know you want to. —AH

WEDNESDAY, AUG. 10
Just when you thought the Academy of Natural Sciences had milked the animal world for special exhibitions, here comes "Dogs: Wolf, Myth, Hero & Friend." Canine connoisseurs can test their knowledge of the species in this traveling show that originated at Los Angeles County's Natural History Museum. Try to guess what dogs are "saying" at the "howling area," emulate their sense of smell or pretend to be rescued from one in an avalanche. Next up: "Mice: From Blind Rodent to Animated Multibillionaire." The Academy of Natural Sciences, 19th St. and The Parkway, 215-299-1060, www.acnatsci.org. —LH

THURSDAY, AUG. 11
Reading Terminal Pennsylvania Dutch Fest. Everything that's wrong with evangelism in America today can be found in the fact that the Pennsylvania Dutch have chosen to fry fresh doughnuts only once a year in Reading Terminal. Step it up, folks! This kind of ministry could cause Homer Simpson to walk right past Moe's in favor of a Wednesday night prayer meeting. The hand-cranked ice cream is a bonus, but the doughnuts are proof that heavenly delights do make it to Earth every once in a while. Through Aug. 13, Reading Terminal Market, 12th and Arch sts., 215-922-2317. —TP

The Perseid Meteors dance across the night sky every August, usually peaking in the wee hours of the morning. Instead of sleeping through it this time, throw a Late-Night Meteor Shower BBQ. You and your compadres can roast weenies (or soy dogs), make s'mores and gaze towards infinity and beyond till you're kvetching about your necks. It doesn't matter where the party's at, as long as the sky is clear. —JS

FRIDAY, AUG. 12
Spend the night on Fifth Street in El Centro de Oro, and you'll be rewarded with exhibitions, music and poetry thanks to Taller Puertorriqueño. Each month, for Noches del Arte en el Barrio (Art Nights in the Barrio), they turn the area into the "Latino Arts Corridor," but we're pretty sure this place doesn't need a label to house this much creativity. 6 p.m.-8:30 p.m., Fifth St. between Huntingdon St. and Indiana Ave. , 215-426-6311. —LH

FRIDAY, AUG. 12
As usual, the Warped Tour is short on starpower but long on dirty skatepunk subculture. The big big names to grace the 10 (!) stages this year? MXPX, Dropkick Murphys, Something Corporate, uh, that's about it among the 80 bands on the bill. (The Offspring aren't playing Philly; otherwise they'd be the default "revered headliners.") Of course, the best bets at Warped are the longshots. Look to the tiny stages for The Shocker (a killer L7 offshoot), The Side Effects (gritty Philly punks) and The Nillaz (oddball gangsta rap from Idaho, if you can imagine such a thing). Noon, $26.25, Tweeter Center parking lot, Mickle Blvd. and Riverside Dr., Camden, N.J., www.warpedtour.com. --PR

SATURDAY, AUG. 13
Legions of swimmers will hop into the drink near Trump Marina at around 9 a.m. for the Atlantic City Around-the-Island Marathon Swim. They'll spend the next seven to nine hours navigating 22.5 miles of water surrounding Absecon Island, home to A.C., Ventnor, Margate and Longport. Started in 1954, it's among the world's toughest swimming events. In the morning, they'll swim the ocean. Then, they'll return to A.C. via the back bays. If you have access to a boat, drop anchor near the Brigantine Bridge to catch the finish. If you don't, the bridges in Margate give ample opportunity to cheer on the competitors vying for $25,000 in prizes. www.acswim.org. —H

SUNDAY, AUG. 14
Aw shit. The American Sociological Association is holding its 100th Annual Meeting right here in the 215 (Aug. 13-16). They say the theme's gonna be "Comparative Perspectives, Competing Explanations: Accounting for the Rising and Declining Significance of Sociology," but that's just fancy talk for cold vodka, warm meth and rug-burning orgies. Hit the hotel bar and see if you can't pull off the ol' convention classic, "the sociological reach-around." Marriott and Loews hotels, www.asanet.org/convention/2005/. —PR

MONDAY, AUG. 15
The Phightin' Phils host their I-95 rivals the Washington Nationals for the final dollar-hot dog night of the summer. Hot dogs sell for $1 apiece at carts all over the city, but it's still special to get one for a buck at a baseball game (regular price $3.25). For the truly daring, there's the dog-an-inning challenge. Find out if Citizens Bank Park is equipped with a stomach pump. 7:05 p.m., $15-$40, Citizens Bank Park, One Citizens Bank Way, 215-463-1000, www.phillies.com. —JD

TUESDAY, AUG. 16
Host a backyard auction in four easy steps. Step One: Convince friends and neighbors to root through their overstuffed closets and drag all trash to your place. Make sure they fork over the good stuff like vinyl, vintage clothes, kitschy dishware, comic books and pulp novels. Step Two: Post neon signs around the city advertising your Junk-O-Rama auction. Serving summer-fun refreshments such as deep-fried Twinkies and Mike's Hard Lemonade will prove an irresistible lure. Step Three: Know that dude at the Standard Tap who never shuts up? Hire him as the auctioneer. He'll keep 10 percent of the profit while you and the neighbors split the difference. Step Four: Jack up the stereo, decorate with paper pineapples and watch the nickels roll in. —AH

WEDNESDAY, AUG. 17
You may think Easter is the only appropriate time to sport a traditional bonnet. But at the Atwater Kent Museum, history buffs can get a crash course in head dress with "Love That Hat!" The exhibition focuses on more than 200 years of hat fashion in Philadelphia with 47 hats on display through Sept. 25. (Two programs are scheduled in conjunction: one about Quaker hat fashion on June 11 and another hosted by Temple's Jennieliynn Streed June 18 on how to embellish a period hat, which is limited to 20 lucky participants.) $3-$5, Atwater Kent Museum, 15 S. Seventh St., 215-685-4832, philadelphiahistory.org/akm. —NHM

THURSDAY, AUG. 18
Bring a lawn chair or blanket to a program of "Street Movies!" from Scribe Video Center in Bartram's Garden and enjoy cutting-edge local film production in a garden with roots stretching back to before the Revolution, when John Bartram was botanist to the English king. 8 p.m., free, Bartram's Garden, 54th St. and Lindbergh Blvd., 215-729-5281, www.bartramsgarden.org. --MA

FRIDAY, AUG. 19
Do a pas de deux with your beau. In this small way, you'll be channeling good vibes to the Pennsylvania Ballet as the company makes its final performance of its international debut at the prestigious Edinburgh International Festival. They're bringing their well-received production of Christopher Wheeldon's Swan Lake to Scotland, to perform with the Russian Tchaikovsky Symphony Orchestra of Moscow Radio. —LH

SATURDAY, AUG. 20
Barnstorm Lancaster for baseball as American as whoopie pies: Travel west to the land of the Amish and witness the Camden Riversharks take on their newest Atlantic League rivals, the Lancaster Barnstormers. The Barnstormers, under the tutelage of former Phillie Tommy Herr, are drawing well in their inaugural season; advance tickets are recommended. 7:05 p.m., $3-$9, Clipper Magazine Stadium, 650 N. Prince St., Lancaster, 717-509-3633, www.lancasterbarnstormers.com. —JD

SUNDAY, AUG. 21
The press release for the Singlespeed World Championships ends with an invitation to any drug-suspended pro cyclist, which means that this will be less a sober Olympic-style trial, and more a hell-for-leather cannonball run through the woods. The State College event will feature some of the toughest bicycle racing imaginable, as racers from all over the world pilot low-tech single-speed bikes over a course that makes the Tour de France look like a cakewalk. www.sswc05.com. —JB

MONDAY, AUG. 22
This entry was going to be all about crossing the river to boo the stirrups off Riversharks teammates Stephen Drew (J.D.'s little bro) and Jared Weaver (Jeff's little bro), two big-headed, first-round draft picks shirking signing contracts by playing in the indie leagues — the same gambit J.D. employed in spurning the Phillies back in '97. Though both brats are now under contract with their respective big-league clubs, there's still much to recommend about Riversharks baseball in Camden; rather than dropping $20 and up to see overpaid players booting balls and giving up heartbreaking long balls in South Philly, you can drop half that to see players fighting for their careers do the same. Come see Wayne Gomes, Brian L. Hunter et al. take on the Newark Bears. 6:35 p.m., $7.50-$10, Campbell's Field, Camden, N.J., 1-866-742-7579, www.riversharks.com. —BH

TUESDAY, AUG. 23
It's the middle of the week. You have nothing to do. The sun is shining. The air is warm. And you're now just realizing that it's time to do something that you've been meaning to do since you were a small child: Go to the Philadelphia Zoo and watch monkeys do it. It's the little things that make life so enjoyable. —SO

While you're up on Girard, go for a, ahem, bumpy ride on the camels. Workers lead you and one of the five camels around a short bend for a few minutes, so there's no experience necessary to rein your camel. For just $5 (in addition to zoo admission), you can be transported to a bit of northern Africa as you ride astride the dromedary's hump, which, incidentally, is full of fat. $13.95-$16.95, Philadelphia Zoo, 34th St. and Girard Ave., www.philadelphiazoo.org. —HiH

WEDNESDAY, AUG. 24
It's the depths of the dog days and you're feeling a little daring. How's this for devil-may-care? Go to that super-busy restaurant you always want to have dinner at but can't get into because it's always too crowded. Stop by without a reservation and ask for a table. Bingo! You get in no problem — with so many people downashore there are now seats galore. —DK

THURSDAY, AUG. 25
Whether you feel like getting down and dirty or you're in a more wholesome golden-oldies mood, the Mann knows how to satisfy. Swoon under the stars to the sexy strains of the Rev. Al Green and the squeaky-clean Motown pop of the Four Tops. Let's stay together, indeed. 7:30 p.m., $49-$59, Mann Center for the Performing Arts, 52nd St. and Parkside Ave., 215-893-1999, www.manncenter.org. —LH

FRIDAY, AUG. 26
From a guy who's made wizard candles for two decades to the hottest bluegrass act, the 44th Annual Philadelphia Folk Festival has something for everyone. "It's a tapestry of signs and sounds and personalities and peoples," says festival spokeswoman Lisa Nordell. The volunteer-run event is likely to draw 30,000 people to a farm field through Aug. 28 for music, dancing, kids' activities, food, shopping and camping. Artisans make leather items, clothing, puppets, toys, jewelry and other goods. And count on plenty of tie-dye. "Of course," Nordell says. "It's a folk festival." www.folkfest.org. —JP

SATURDAY, AUG. 27
Who's your favorite baller on the And1 Mixtape Tour? Sik Wit It? Half Man Half Amazing? Hot Sauce? It's Shane the Dribbling Machine, isn't it? OK, truth is you probably don't know the names of the players on this hip-hop stuntball tour, you just like the moves. 7:30 p.m., $19-$77, Wachovia Center, 3601 S. Broad St., 215-336-2000, www.ticketmaster.com. —PR

SUNDAY, AUG. 28
Mark del Costello traveled the world to find them. We only have to get to New Hope. Del Costello is loaning part of his massive collection of movie advertising art to the Michener in New Hope for "Selling Dreams: Film Posters 1945-2005." Sure, reproductions of the Scarface art are all over everybody's local Suncoast and college dorm rooms, but seeing these original pieces of artwork is a rare opportunity — as is the chance to see their foreign counterparts, e.g., a Japanese version of the South Pacific poster. Through Sept. 4, $4-$6.50, James A. Michener Art Museum, Union Square on Bridge St., New Hope, 215-862-7633, www.michenerartmuseum.org. —LH

MONDAY, AUG. 29
Everyone has a friend who can double for Casper in the winter and salami in the summer — make these friends your shore companion for today and play connect the dots: beach edition. When he or she passes out in the sun, out come the freckles — and the marker for a great game. —KS

TUESDAY, AUG. 30
Youth may be wasted on the young, but who's to stop an adult from at least acting like a teenager now and again? To relive those good old days, grab a six-pack and head to the lakes at FDR Park in South Philly. For true teen authenticity, the beer should be the kind in the cans, preferably Bud or Miller (bottles are too grown-up, as are boutique brews). Bring someone to make out with. After a couple cans and idle conversation, commence smooching. But always keep one eye peeled for Frankenfish. —DK

WEDNESDAY, AUG. 31
Make it a water ice day. In summer, the most acceptable form of public orgasm is that tingle you get when your thick, dry tongue first alights on a shimmery mound of cherry water ice. Go for the multiple ice-Os by spending the day tasting ices from South Philly to Center City to the Northeast. You know, Rita's versus the little guys. Take one friend who specializes in each of the major flavors — cherry, lemon, chocolate — and one "floater" to sample oddball entries like bubble gum and Key lime pie. —MB

What's your idea of summer fun?
"I haven't seen a vacation or fun around here in about 30 years. Go down to the waterfront and watch the boats. Anytime you're around water it's real peaceful. But it's not a lot of fun. As far as fun is concerned, oh my God, just give me a harem of women. If you're going to say that in the paper, make it a harem of young women."
--Sonny Driver, orchestrator of the campaign to change the name of West River Drive to Martin Luther King Jr.

"I have no idea. I've been a little too busy to think about the summer at this moment working on the smoking bill and serving my constituents, but I'm going to try to do my best to have fun this summer, but I have yet to figure that out. I'd like to spend some time cycling; that's something I'm planning to take up this summer."
--City Councilman Michael Nutter

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