May 19-25, 2005

naked city

Just Five Things …

Photo By: Michael T. Regan

Or, everything I need to know I learned from plying sloppy journalists with $1 Yuenglings.

For the past seven years, Tim Brown has manned the bar at The Khyber, spending the last two of them on the Happy Hour shift. The Khyber is located directly across Second Street from City Paper, so that more or less makes Tim one of our heroes. Alas, he worked his last shift Monday night and, any minute now, will be making his way cross-country to San Diego with girlfriend Heather. Asked why he's going, Tim simply states, "because you're dead for a really long time."

Before he turned the Happy Hour reins over to Casey "Welcome to My Face" Wayne, our favorite departing bartender shared the life lessons gleaned from the most real joint in Old City. Godspeed Tim. You'll be missed.

1. "Drinking from the milk fountain of human kindness may help you sleep at night, but it doesn't pay the bills. That is to say, "Tip me, fucker.'"
2. ""Hair of the Dog' doesn't cure a hangover. It just helps you get drunk again."
3. "The theme song to Law & Order is fucking tits to play air bass to," Tim says, imitating Otto the bus driver.
4. "If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, and just walked out of the City Paper offices, it's a dude."
5. "Don't let your mouth write a check that your ass can't cash, i.e., I will be in my grave before a Philadelphia sports team wins a championship."

—Brian Hickey