icepack

by A.D. Amorosi

Caught between Equality Forum's SundayOUT! fest and the Jamaican-heavy Penn Relays, all I could think of was how Philly compared to the beard-clashing union of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes: the gayishness, the machismo, the athleticism, the toothiness. Though I found no vestal virginity at either the Sixth Street festival or Franklin Field, I found shoofly pie. Ahh, the glow of the feel-good commonplace — Monica Malpass reappearing on TV without one Aqua Net Purple-lacquered hair out of place; Delaware Avenue nightclubs reopening like the sixth ring of hell; the hideous sounds of ex-Y100ers Preston Elliot and Steve Morrison bleeding into WMMR's soul-sucking sound — that's what I'm about. For example: There I was, shopping at a Commonwealth of Pennsylvania auction for property confiscated from a recently jailed, recently infamous drug lord. But I didn't get angry I lost all six houses (even the one with the purple stone front — so me!). Rather, I was excited to overhear state cops and feds blabbing about their "carpenter informant" and how this jailee was "paranoid, but stupid: smart enough to line his houses with video cameras, but not bright enough to shut up while talking on the phone."… A tale of two Boyds: While Boyds the clothier gets ready for its final launch party on May 11 with Esquire, Bazaar and a Giuliano Mazzuoli watch unveiling, the Boyd Theatre, despite being closed for renovation after being purchased by Clear Channel, has its own thing going on — a fund-raiser May 6 at International House. Why the fuck does the Boyd need fund-raising? Friends of the Boyd member Michael Norris said it's all about restoration enhancements for the 77-year-old property at 19th and Chestnut. "A new property owner restores what's in a building at the time of transfer of ownership to be eligible for federal historic tax credits," says Norris. "If there are original architectural elements removed over the years — as is the case with the Boyd — Clear Channel technically doesn't have to include them in their restoration plans. We want to do all we can to ensure that the restoration is as accurate and thorough as possible so to restore [the Boyd] to its original 1928 splendor." Plus the Friends want to push the theater's original agenda — showing films both classic and local. Whether showing Rocky, as the FotB will at May 6's fund-raiser, was part of the Boyd's original intent, we'll never know. … Everyone has delusions of being Dean Martin, hosting his own old-school comedy/music variety show while drunk. I know comedian/writer John Kensil (Bar Noir's Notebooks open mic, Comedy Central) does, as his sketch comedy show searches for a co-host at Five Spot, May 11. I know World Café Live wants some of that Dino action, since Robin Parry (Club Nostradamus) and yours truly will host a new monthly, Viva! The Red Carpet Variety Show, starting June 4… Disgusted with Manayunk? Who isn't? Pop painter John Stango and fiber artist Nancy Nagele closed their Stango-yunk gallery to open Nangellini at 832 South St. last week. Another new art-boite, Gallery 339, sprouted at 339 South 21st St. With so many galleries in town, couldn't these people have done something different — like opened restaurants? … Don't you wonder how it can be that Pennsylvania native Anthony Fedorov keeps not losing, weekly, on American Idol? Check www.votefortheworst.com. … WHOWHATWHERE: While Philly violinist John Blake got a visit from Emeril Live conductor Doc Gibbs at Friday's Strings for Schools gala at the Four Seasons, other Philly dawgs should expect visitors: Rumors have the Marc Segal/Elton John July 4th Art Museum Philly Freedom Concert getting an invasion from Bruce Springsteen. Look for kooky spiritualist Peter Buffett's May 22 Spirit — The Seventh Fire premiere at Lemon Hill to feature a picnic hosted by dad, Warren, with rumored guests Ben Kinsgley and Bono. Others feeling Spirit (in Philly through June 5) may include Lance Armstrong and Jon Bon Jovi. … My fave Philly-b-ball-related band? DJ Danger Mouse and crooner Cee-Lo become The Gnarls Barkley for their due-in-June eponymous CD. … The Rhythm & Blues Foundation just opened its doors at the Land Title Building, setting the stage for Kenny Gamble's dream of turning his Royal Theater into a Philly soul museum with live music. …

Will a House of Blues open at the Roy's building (roof? basement? both?) at 15th and Sansom? …

Can't figure where all the skanks are May 5 and May 6? First, check Dead Fred's on May 5 where U.S. Rep. Bob Brady and John Dougherty host a bikini contest (that's why I'm voting Dougherty!). Then out in Media, Pa., boxing guru Damon Feldman's pal Evan Russo hosts "Who's the Queen of Lingerie?" at West End Saloon May 6 where the winner gets the title Ms. Delco Lingerie Queen. If you can't wrangle a blowjob out of this two-fer, you ain't trying. … Deiter-like DJ Sean O'Neal brings German olympian/protean techno DJ Chris Liebing — two laptops, three turntables: Be amazed or die, goofs — to Fluid May 11. … Sadly, The Satellite Lounge in Cookstown, N.J., home to Springsteen and Southside Johnny, will be torn down for a housing development. Anyone who knows the legend of its manager shooting out Foghat's PA system once he realized how bad they were will miss this place.