Quacking Up

ALL FOWLED UP: Duck pilot "Captain Betsy Ross."

by Cory Frolik

On a Thursday morning in late March, a flock of Duck commanders nestled in a Penn's Landing Corporation building adjacent to Pier 5. These active and prospective pilots of the large aquatic/land tourist vessels known as "The Ducks" were here for the last of three mandatory training sessions. While the first two sessions focused on history and safety, session three was all about showmanship.

Mike Kovach, a former captain himself who is now the fine feathered familiar's operations manager, directed the 12 captain-lings in use of props, sight gags and appropriate humor, as well as choosing a captain's alias, audience participation and, all importantly, knowing just the right moment to let loose a quack.

The boat "is just a stage," said Kovach, who once donned a cape in service of his alter ego, Captain Ridiculous. "What brings them back is your performance."

All Duck captains have earned master's licenses from the Coast Guard, and many were once employed as commercial boat operators. But in addition to knowing port from starboard, they're also expected to master a one-liner or two.

According to Scott Lewis, general manager of Ride the Ducks' Philly operation (now in its third season), captains are not hired based on their capacity for hilarity, but rather for a natural, theatrical voice.

As the meeting wore on, it became apparent that each of these individuals had his own theories about this offbeat form of entertainment. As Kovach lectured on each topic, captains chimed in with jokes and suggestions.

Retired tugboat operator Captain Tugger mimed holding a paddle — his prop of choice. Other captains discussed gimmicks that have worked in the past: noisemakers, fishing rods, even airline-style oxygen masks with instructions for Duck riders "to breathe normally if the Duck loses altitude."

The showmanship training was largely a show-and-tell session, allowing captains to brainstorm in front of a sympathetic audience. Ultimately, captains have to decide for themselves how to mold performances.

Captain Rich, a man of moustache and other riverboat qualities, spent a large part of the meeting bouncing material off Kovach. When Rich said, "I have a duck joke I can't use," Kovach suggested that the captain devise a joke in the spirit of the lewd one, reminding everyone that Ride the Ducks is, after all, family entertainment. Further, Kovach said that some comments might be in bad taste (including those about the questionable politics of City Hall).

"It's about having fun," said Kovach to his trainees. "If you're not having fun, it will readily be apparent to the customer."