Schoolhouse Glock

NRA shoots blanks with loaded rhetoric.

by Nick Norlen

Two weeks ago, National Rifle Association Vice President Sandra Froman, who's expected to be elected as the association's new president in April, responded to the latest school shooting in Minnesota by discussing her strategy to keep kids safe in school: "We as a community have to provide a way for the teachers to do that."

So far, so good, Sandra. Please, go on.

"I'm not saying that that means every teacher should have a gun or not, but what I am saying is we need to look at all the options at what will truly protect the students."

Well, you just blew it. The answer is overwhelmingly clear.

Of course

teachers should be allowed to carry guns. In today's world, school safety means having the safety off.

Mandating gun ownership for our nation's educators is crucial to preserving the remnants of a classroom atmosphere that was once conducive to learning. The security of this atmosphere has been consistently degraded by the emergence of a new societal scourge: moody teenagers. Teenagers never used to have all these issues, what with the puberty and awkward social development.

New teen emotions, like depression, alienation and low self-esteem, all of which trigger heinous acts like school shootings, have only surfaced in the last several decades. On the other hand, the abundance of guns in our culture is nothing new. It's been around forever, and its correlation to the pervasiveness of school shootings is negligible at best. Considering these factors, one can obviously see what's to blame.

Of course, only a handful of the zit-ridden, caffeine-riddled Ritalin munchers are ruining it for everyone else. But as they say, a few stray bullets don't spoil the clip. Here's where heat-packing proctors can shine.

When Mr. Bradley uses the laser sight on his Tech-9 to circle key terms on the PowerPoint screen, maybe gothed-out Colin will think twice about re-enacting

Elephant

with his dad's rifle collection. The key is in openly displaying the weapon, showing that you're comfortable with it. Threats of an unseen lock box that may or may not contain a fully loaded Desert Eagle 5.0 don't get the point across. Keep in mind that these are teenagers. They're not going to understand physics unless you let them drop a few bowling balls off the roof. And they're certainly not going to believe that you'll pull your piece unless you let them get hands-on. Let them handle a replica; show them a video of you shooting the fleas off a dog's back at 500 yards. Whatever method you use, make sure they get the message: You will not hesitate to put a few slugs in any punk who thinks he's got the fastest draw.

Unfortunately, strapped faculty won't always be around to brandish their sidearms as effective deterrents against would-be attackers. During after-school activities, kids are on their own. Who's to say a massacre won't happen at mathletes practice? The solution is simple and inevitable. A few good teens will have to be armed.

Now, there will be those who'll say that kids aren't capable of using guns responsibly. Of course they're not. That's why they'll start with Tasers. The dubiously valuable curriculum of art and music programs will then be gradually replaced with an ongoing junior marksmanship program, a potentially controversial proposal due to its title. However, simply referring to the training as markspersonship should quell the reservations of any overly sensitive parents. In the program, kids will have the opportunity to hone their pistol skills so that one day they can graduate to the ranks of the most secure members of society: gun owners. With a few more library cutbacks, Philly could be the first city to introduce publicly funded target practice. Less books equal less crooks. Bad guys will think twice when they're in the sights of the nation's most accurate.

In two weeks, we'll be six years away from Columbine. But we're just a few six-shooters away from being free of gun violence once and for all.

All we need is more guns.

Nick Norlen is a senior at La Salle University and a City Paper intern. If you would like to respond to this Slant or submit one of your own (750 words), contact Duane Swierczynski, editor in chief, City Paper, 123 Chestnut Street, Third Floor, Phila., Pa., 19106 or e-mail Duane Swierczynski.